I stopped talking to guys (not because I got a boyfriend)

And here's what happened.

I don't really know what happened. I had just returned home from three weeks in the most beautiful place -Greece- I've seen so far. I met amazing people, including two young men who I shared equally memorable times with, and honestly, home could never really compare. Home was like wearing an old pair of sneakers after I had just purchased the pair I'd been eyeing for a few months.
To try and relive some of the fun times I had abroad, my sister and I spent a night out in the city which turned out to be a bust when again my comparisons of my Greek experiences could not be topped by the less than gentlemanly& mature men who came a dime a dozen in my home city. I did give it a valiant effort.. I even gave my number to a rando in the mall, but after one too many shallow, dead-end conversations had been had, something clicked and I knew I had to make a major change.

First, I blocked, deleted, DTR'd, and straight up ghosted any and EVERY possibility. I'm talking randos, old flames, new flames...EVERYONE.

Then, I deleted all dating apps. (I was on Coffee Meets Bagel and Bumble at the time)

Finally, I told my closest friends what I was up to so I couldn't take everything back on a lonely night when I'd watched one too many rom-coms.

I wish I could say that was the end of the story BUT true to form, I rebounded.

I don't know how either! I was in such a good place. My mind was clear, sharp even, and I was focused on becoming my best self and all types of other inspirational girl quote empowerment stuff. I went paddleboarding?! I started acting like I was dating myself and it was working.

I think this new healthy, whole me who didn't need no man knew I didn't need anyone but acknowledged that I definitely still wanted someone.

SO what did I do but start nonstop snapping an old flame turned /platonic ex/ kind of friend guy..

MISTAKE.

But right after I relapsed and he immediately ghosted me I took a few days to beat myself up, lick my wounds, and got right back on the horse. No boys. Nada. Zilch.

Since then I have stood strong. Honestly, there isn't temptation at this point. No one on the horizon and no one in the rear view. They've all long ago moved on and maybe it took seeing that to finally do so myself.

ALL of that to say that I am for the first time since I was 12 or 13 ENTIRELY single. I am not thinking about anyone and I am completely content.

I think my life circumstances have ultimately led me to this. I just finished school. I am figuring myself out outside the confines of institutional regulation and a severe dating culture. But rather than  wishing for something I've never had I began to embrace what I did and the reward has been tremendous.

These are my experiences. Different. Specific. But hopefully relatable. If you're the token single girl or the broken hearted looking for someone to make you whole again, I hope you can find solace in these words. Our day will come to be in love and take all those obnoxious instas with bae, but our day is now to be as free, adventurous, and curious as possible. I'm so glad I decided to stop squandering this time because tbh I'm having the time of my life.

why, summer, why?

Life events always bring me back to the blogosphere...
I feel as if I haven't taken then time to reflect on all that's gone on in my life for the past few years... I say that as a segue into what is going on now because it really and truly is all connected.
Last summer I spent three months living in the tiny, rural town of Marvell, Arkansas. I happened upon a mission camp organization which brought me to that place and subsequently had the best summer of my life. I made friendships that will last forever and worked in a community which is built around loving and caring for others. It was life-changing and this summer I had the opportunity to do it all over again as a director BUT my tonsils had other ideas. From September, when I found out I had mononucleosis, to May, when I found out I had chronic tonsillitis, I was sick about twice a month...meaning I was only well about 10-14 days if I got lucky. This threw a wrench in my plans to conquer the school year and get more involved on campus. (Working my three jobs didn't help either) Given my diagnoses, I was not able to accept the position to be a site director of a Youthworks site and instead, I headed home for what would be a fairly easy procedure with a horrendous/painful recovery. When, around day 10ish, I felt mostly myself, I thought the rest of the summer would be smooth sailing. I got a job as a YMCA day camp counselor. This was going to be great. I would work where I workout, get super fit and back into my previously very healthy and active lifestyle (hindered by all of the health issues I had) and I'd save a bunch of money and be all comfy for senior year. NADA. Around week 4 of working, I ended up with a concussion after an attempt to teach a wide-eyed little girl how to flip in the pool. The only problem being we were in the shallow end of the pool. Yes, I realize I should have known better, but you know what? I was trying to make a moment, so no regrets.
This injury, however, has proven to complicate most every aspect of my life. My once quick-witted sarcasm has been replaced with "whats the word I'm looking for?" and my superior optimization skills have been turned into what I would describe as a diner scramble special, you know, with all the potatoes, onions, and eggs mixed into one jumbled dish? Sequencing and processing are exceptionally difficult and have brought on anxiety which I have never before struggled with. I truly do not feel like myself. Along with these symptoms are the more obvious such as headaches and irritability. It got to a point that I felt unfit to work and could not handle the stress I was feeling at work and I resigned from my position just two weeks before my summer was over.
So now, here I am, looking back on the summer I thought for sure I was supposed to have and all I can do is ask "WHY?" Why did I have to come home? Why did I get a concussion? Why was my work experience less than pleasant? None of it makes sense and I'm someone who needs things and life to make sense. But maybe that's exactly what this is all supposed to teach me. If everything made sense, why would I need to trust in a God who is bigger and greater than all of these menial things? I wouldn't.
I recently explained to someone my extreme Type A-ness. I need to be in control....not of anyone else. Just myself. I know that if I apply myself to something, I will accomplish it. But now, under these circumstances, I can't.
It has been a huge reality check. I have viewed myself in terms of what I can accomplish and what I have contributed to others. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but what happens when those things are stripped away, people forget, or I am physically incapable of doing those meaningful things? Is my value then stripped away? Am I socially devoid of any worth? I think maybe, in the back of my mind, I thought so. Through all of this I've realized how much I seek affirmation from people. I want to be liked and respected and viewed as the hardest worker or the most passionate. Through all of this, I've realized that I am not and I couldn't even try to be, but THAT'S OKAY.
I think I had to have this weird summer to realize something so fundamental to my faith. I am valuable. I am worthy. I am weak. He is strong. I am loved. I am cherished. It does not matter what I have done. My value is not derived from human opinion.
I don't know that these realizations have truly sunk in, but each day I feel as if God gives me little heart hugs that remind me. He certainly has my attention and my eyes are wide and I am searching for the meaning of why my life is in seeming shambles. I'm pressing in and I know he is faithful to restore, not only my memory, but my sense of who he truly is, yesterday, today, and forever.

rEfLeCtIoNs[2o14]

I am not sure I know where to begin with 2014. When I reflected last new years day on 2013, I had no idea what awaited me. Not even two weeks after Jan 1, I decided to go to Messiah College....it fell into place. Nothing has ever been easier. It was so apparent that Messiah was the place I was supposed to be. I was scared going into it because I was leaving Mercyhurst after one semester and blindly moving into Messiah but It's probably the best decision I have ever made.
Messiah College is this beautiful community of people that want to make a difference in the world. I love it...I have loved it for the two semesters I have now completed.
After a month being there, I decided to apply to be an RA and two months into the semester, I got hired. The rest of my first semester, I built friendships and navigated my way through a completely different atmosphere and academic system. I also declared Christian Ministry as my major after having a timely and poignant conversation with a hall mate who has come to be a great friend.
I had theee perfect roommate who I learned so much from and who supported me through a crazy semester. Through a series of situations, I learned very valuable lessons about conflict and how to handle it as a mature adult.
Over the summer, I could not wait to return for fall semester and my summer job at Lowe's only made the summer drag on.
Fall semester was a series of trials, triumphs, and tenacity. On top of being an RA to 43 fantastic and beautiful residents, I worked two jobs and made it my mission to accomplish every assignment for the semester in hopes of achieving a perfect GPA. Well, that didn't happen, but I became disciplined in a way that I never have been before. I got proper sleep[ pretty consistently]. I exercised almost everyday and am now down 14 el bees:]. I learned how to balance what felt like 20 million things in a day, and I even took a ballet class.
The semester wasn't a complete success in any respect. It was a lot of give and take. It challenged me. It took a lot out of me, but it also charged me up. I LOVE being an RA. I love it. I love my residents. I love my staff. I love the opportunity it affords to be an important part of student's lives.
I HATED working two jobs, but at the same time, I realize that it is necessary and it decreases the debt  I will be in post-grad.
I loved and hated my classes. I thought a lot this semester about the things I am learning and the approaches I have taken to learning. I have not come up with the perfect cocktail, but I have learned to be present and to apply myself 100% to the course material, whatever it may be.

This year marks an important milestone in my life. This has been the longest I have stayed in one place since I've graduated four years ago, and while I am just itching to travel again, I think the permanence of college is good for me. I have always had a wandering heart and mind. I am aware. I live in the future. I get so excited for what is to come that I often miss out on what I am experiencing. I don't like this about myself, in fact, I hate it. I want to have memories that I can cherish when I am old. I have become even more aware of this tendency and I am working on alleviating it as much as possible. If I must choose a resolution for 2015, it is to simply "be present" and trust the journey that this year will undoubtedly take me on.
I don't like the saying "New year, new me," because the way I learned to see it in 2014 is that everyday is an opportunity to become a new you. Why people wait for January 1st to make positive life changes, only to give them up February 1st, I have no idea. I am excited to start this new year with an already positive mind and am so happy to say that I didn't end the year panting or crawling across the finish line but rather victorious for accomplishing many things that I set out to without giving up or giving in. Let the good times continue into 2015 and let me work harder, get stronger, and enjoy every moment that I am blessed to live on this earth. Happy New Year, friends.

Pas D'excuses

This year of 2014 has been one of transition and great change in my life, some of which I seemingly had no control over, and some of which I didn't really mean for...and its only halfway over. I felt as though I started with a clean slate. I was going to a new school, with a new major, and new possibilities that I was yet to discover. As I went through the semester, I began to form habits without really knowing it, habits that would lead to positive life change. In the hustle and bustle of college life, I wasn't able to reflect upon or realize my experiences and so now that summer has hit, everything is coming to me.
I think, just as a general rule, its easy for us, as humans, to get lost. To do and go without purpose or destination in mind. We then end up living mundane, mediocre, somewhat boring and apathetic lives. I found myself to be in this very place on MANY different occasions over the past three years of my life.I was experiencing some of the most incredible things I may ever experience, yet I didn't feel the thrill of it. For the most part, I became a prisoner of my own mind, analyzing everything, trying to figure today and everyday for the rest of forever, and unfortunately, I missed out on a lot of what I was going through, in the moment.
Thankfully, I serve a God who knows and loves me, even with my need to control and know what to do so I can write a plan and a list to do it, who allowed me to come to appreciate the journey He is taking me on.
I now see the big picture of what those things meant to me, and to my future life. I feel as though the dots connected and all the questions I had back then have been completely answered. I didn't want any of the things I now do, before,  and I wasn't the person to handle them before I went through those seasons of growth.
Long back story. Bear with me.
So getting back to those positive life changes. Recently(starting in February) I started on this fitness journey. At first, it was something I had to do for class credit, and then, when I found myself getting bored-or stressed- at night on the weekends, I'd go for a run. This practice of challenging my limits and seeing physical change started to reshape my thinking about life. I was taking negative energy and putting it to good use.
You see, I feel like a natural tendency that I've always had, is to get frustrated when things weren't going my way. I'd start out so excited about something, and then when I didn't see results or get an answer, I'd get frustrated with my situation, and henceforth, become discontent.
I know that this tendency may be something inborn, but I fight it every day. I've long struggled with weight and body image issues, and I've tried and failed countless times in trying to achieve the "perfect body." (no such thing, by the way)
Now, I view exercise and even life challenges completely different. Each time you are faced with a hurdle in life, you are faced with a choice: A. You become frustrated and simply walk away B. Face it head on and view it as an opportunity to push yourself beyond mental, physical, or spiritual limits.
I can guarantee you that you are stronger than you think, and even if you don't get it the first time, you, if you work at it diligently, will see the result you are striving for.
This post is not meant to be a "lets praise me" rant, nor is it meant to be some cheesy positive reinforcement. The point of what I'm really and honestly trying to say is that, we will all become frustrated at some point in our lives, but frustration should not lead to abandonment. Whatever the wall, a lukewarm spiritual life, twenty extra pounds, a difficult class in school, break it down through perseverance. Refuse to give up. No excuses.

23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, 24 since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.
Colossians 3:23-24

You are my home.

Overlays and Other Beautiful Trifles

You may have noticed the photos in my past two posts and the fact that they're both double exposures... I admit, I'm obsessed. There is something so beautiful and telling of DE images. I feel as though I can portray a mood or tell a story simply by placing two photos together. I'm having so much fun with this technique so no, you haven't seen the last of them. I've also been messing around with the VSCO Cam App. The filters are unique and romantic- well at least to me- and they add dynamic and depth. I'll be posting a bunch more soon in a " just because" post, so be on the look out. 

Xoxo 

-Tamara 

Please hurry, Love.

My heart aches to know and be known by you.

The heart of a woman.

"Do you have anymore questions?" Here's one. Did you ever see the beauty that is my soul? Did you ever care to probe beneath that which hides the essence of who I am? Was I only there to pass the time or for some cheap thrill? Was the goal to get me to compromise my will? If such were the case, it looks as if I've won for you'll never have that which you sought. Though I may have lapsed in judgement, I did not compromise that which made me so desirable to you... My confidence, my strength, and maybe the appeal of innocence. I won't deny that I began to fall for this idea of who you've made yourself to be, but all along I knew that you just weren't right for me. Tangible goals are good to have but where is your hope for eternal things? What effort have you put into that which can't be seen? Beauty is fleeting, my darling, and good looks, they fade. So, years from now, when you're old and spent, what will you REALLY have left? I mean sure, you reached the mark for that which you set out, but what was it worth? I know, your time is now. Live fast, at least while you can, but remember this...The heart of a woman is a fragile thing and is not to be trifled with. You would know this if you were truly a man. A word of caution, you get what you give.

I am not angry, nor am I hurt, I just felt compelled to share these words. You taught me a valuable lesson, one I won't soon forget, but really it didn't hurt when you left. 

Oh sure, we can be friends but really, no need to pretend. The fact is, what matters to you bears no weight at all to me. I've overlooked the cautions of my friends but wondered when the illusion would end. Well that time has come and gone, my heart has come away unscarred. Thank The Lord I did not compromise my resolve. So again I ask, did you ever see the beauty that is my soul? If you had, there would not be this result. 

Though her body is the evidence, her heart is the essence; The place from whence her beauty flows.

rEfLecTiOnS [2o13]

This New Year's Evening is one very unlike any other I've had. I've been contemplative about this year since my twentieth birthday which has made me reflect back on all this year held. In this contemplation, I've come up with this theory... The tone of the year is contingent upon how you spend your New Years. Let me explain... For New Year's 2013, I was bent on getting dressed up and partying the night away with friends....holes in this plan, I was a mere 19, so party venues were slim to none, also,most of the people I consider friends happen to live out of state. With my undying tenacity, I mustered up a plan with my sister and a close friend and we headed out the a "pumpin," underage New Year's party. This, of course, turned out to be a total bust,I believe, setting my year into a pattern of strange series of misadventures.

2013 was in no way bad...nor was it personally super good, but as I reflected on it, I looked back on  reflections of previous years, only realizing that I say this every year. Some say that it is easier to remember the bad, to which I say "they're pessimists," but on further evaluation I realize that I am, in fact, guilty of that. Truth be told, 2013 was an amazing year for me and my family. One sister graduated high school, one graduated nursing school, one announced she was pregnant, and even still, the oldest of us found love after the death of her husband and married, and my brother married his high school sweetheart of six years. Unlike most years, this one did not fly by for me. Just this January I was on tour which allowed me to spend the first five months of this year traveling the country. After that,I spent the summer working two jobs in preparation for college.
Ah, College....many times I almost backed out, but again, that undying tenacity- sometimes a curse- got me there and I became one of 600 eighteen year old freshmen, fresh out of high school. I spent the next three grueling months, again, working two jobs and doing my best to maintain a perfect grade average (I may not have succeeded but I came away with a 3.8). Although I've faced many challenges in my two years off, I did not face one like college. I felt plagued in every way- spiritually,physically, emotionally, and definitely mentally- leaving me completely drained and somewhat despondent.
I struggled a lot through that experience with whether or not I made the right decision in going to school...it had been a lifelong dream I felt I had to fulfill -another theory I've come up with: I maybe just need to get things out of my system. When I achieve or attain what I've always dreamed of it is never what I thought it would be, not making it less satisfying,but helping me not to build things up mentally as I often do *psycho babble over. When the opportunity presented itself, I felt I had to take the leap of faith. Through this experience at a place I thought I'd gain so many of the things my heart desires, I found myself to be very discontent because I didn't get those things. It took turning down one path to realize that  it was not the one for me. Through this I realized where I needed to be, and I think I finally realized what I am meant to do.
It was a tough year in which I had to make big decisions, but I think it was more of the fact
that there was no guide book to making those decisions. I am an admitted Google addict so when there is no easy answer I freeze. I tense up. I get anxiety that pulls me deep within myself, causing me to become irritable with most people. It's like, can't you see me trying to process my entire life that is contingent on this one decision?
The good that came from this year would be the gaining of a better self-awareness, a better direction of where I believe I am to go in life, and a better grasp on how to make those big, scary, life decisions.

This year, not because I wanted to, but by default, I'm spending my New Year's Eve, alone-accept for company of my dog nephew- sipping ginger ale from a wine glass, blogging, whilst Eat, Pray, Love provides the perfect inspirational background. I'd like to make 2014 an Eat, Pray, Love kind of experience in stepping back...from social media and popular culture and reverting back to the things that I truly love....reading, writing, fine, classic literature,among many other things. I want to step outside myself in hopes that I get a tad closer to my one true aspiration in life...To make a difference by touching the world around me through the people I'm surrounded by. I'm hoping that in 2014 I really come into my own and settle down into what I'm supposed to do where I'm supposed to do it...or maybe I'll take a few more misadventures...after all, all of these up to this point have made me who I am today...a little rough around the edges but I think I'll be just fine.

"Sometimes your life is defined by a single moment. Let it be today. Go boldly in the direction of your dreams."

rEfLeCtIoNs [2o12]

Life is what you make it. Truer words have never been spoken. If I can, I would like to just be frank. I'm not going to say what I think people want to read, or think about me. In a world of oppression and stifling social graces, I choose to throw those expectations to the wind and use the God given freedom I have to speak my mind.

2012. Alot of it sucked. I spent alot of time doing a bunch of stuff I didn't want to do. I went through more stuff than I had time to write down, and I lost pieces of who I once was. Would I want to go back an repeat any of it? Definitely. If I could go back would I change things? Absolutely.

I started 2012 off, in Siem Reap, Cambodia. I rang in the new year at the night market. The next day, I spent exploring ancient temples in the woods of Cambodia. It was a lifechanging and enriching experience. I'd say at this point in my stay in Cambodia, I was still enjoying the novetly of living out of the country, but soon after, it began to fade, and quickly. I had a very hard time the last couple months I was there because I missed home and my family so much. This was a time of growth as much as it was a time of sadness.

Over the summer, I threw myself into my work, so to speak, something which I now, regret. I had just spent 10 months away from my family, and here I was, spending all my time in a stinky Mexican restaurant with some pretty awful people. I used the precious few months I had to advance my bank account, rather than my relationships. These months of the year, I used to be selfish, only later realizing how much of a mistake I was making.

It was now mid-August and it was time to start tour. I spent two weeks straight, in a dirty, dingy warehouse, building relationships that I believe will carry on throughout the rest of my life. I don't think I've ever been so worn out...or happy. In this total abondonment of self, I began to feel again, to hope, and trust that not all people are the same. This was only the beginning of the journey that we'd soon embark on, and I couldn't wait.

For the rest of the fall months, I traveled with the team to many places I never thought I'd ever be. Arkansas, Nebraska, Three Rivers, Texas, to name a few. In every city, I met the most incredible, inspiring people. People that had more of a passion for my job than I did. Their passion helped to carry me through, but instead of my flame for this message burning brighter, it began to dim until it was a tiny, weak flame. By the time November had hit and it was time for us to part ways until after the new year, I was perverbially burned out. I was going through the motions of this amazing opportunity. Instead of looking back and appreciating and and being thankful for all that had taken place, I looked forward with dread, knowing that it'd only get harder.
For the month and a half or two months that I was home, I didn't think much about the fall tour. I focused on family and friends, and rightfully so. I had my first Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years in two years, and they were peaceful and restful. I turned 19. I began to pursue a relationship, but instead of making the same mistakes in the past, I moved on when I realized that it wasn't what I ultimately wanted.

Do I have regret when I look back on 2012... no. To regret would be to discount the lessons I learned. I can only hope to remember the lessons I've learned and better myself and in turn my future.

I now have a better perspective on life altogether. As for experiences, enjoy them.. every second, because when theyre gone, theyre gone and all you have is the memory. As for family, well they're the only one you have and they'll be there for you when no one else will be.
As for moments in time, well thats exactly it, they're just moments, and they slip away at a constant pace. Relish the time, the places, the life you live. Cherish each day. Enjoy everything as much as you can. Laugh too much. Cry too much. Do what you love, because life's too short not to.

Why do I preach the gospel?

You know, the world is full of people that love God, and have given their lives to serve Him and His purposes. They are led by Him to places, and given specific things to do. I like to believe that I am one of those people. I love this God. I desire to serve Him with everything in me, but I can honestly say that I haven't thought much about WHY I do...My motivations have been influenced by my upbringing, by the people that taught me from a young age, and from seeing the lives of people who have chosen not to serve God. I believe that those are valid motivators but really, what is MY reason? Why do I have a deep conviction to know God, to love Him, and to give everything I have for His sake?

When you hear about people that were "raised by the church," I can tell you that its absolutely true. I was brought up in a christian family that went to church every Sunday, and was very devoted to serving in the church. My parents are deacons in the church that they've now been attending for 30 years. We were, we are, "that family", and I was "that girl". God, church, righteousness, and all of the "bible stories" were enstilled in me from a very young age. Being that I was "that girl" I almost became desensitized to the truth. I grew comfortable, maybe even laxadasical, in the knowledge of God. Yes, I loved God, as I knew how to, and I lived my life in a way that I grew up learning was right, but I really have a personal relationship with Him.
Fast forward to my teen years. I didn't even know what a personal, committed life in Christ was, because I was riding on the fact that I was a good girl who didn't lie, cheat, or steal.
I can remember the day that all of that changed.
My family was sitting in our living room watching the O'Reilly Factor, and literally out of nowhere, I was bombarded with suicidal thoughts. I remember sitting there trying to push the thoughts away, but I felt I was being attacked not only in my heart, but in my mind. When I realized that trying to think about something else wasn't going to work, I went to my bedroom and pulled out my Bible. I started to vigorously read the Psalms and pray aloud. That was one of the most frightening moments of my life. I feared what I would do to myself if left alone. I kept reading, and turned on a cd, and I could feel the attack begin to subside.
As I sat there that night with my life literally in my hands, I prayed to God. I asked Him to take my life. Yes, as I child I asked Him into my heart, but that night was the night that I recognized how much I needed God because I knew only He could save me from myself.
These attacks went on for quite a while, but I began to learn how to combat them... The word of God, and unceasing prayer. At that time in my life, you would not see me without my bible.
These attacks for my spirit were so severe that if I even saw a knife, I'd start to think of cutting myself, and would have to leave the room.

Looking back on those delicate months of my life, I see that while I was scared, God was laying the foundation to my Christian walk. I could not go a day with reading the Bible. Bottom line, I needed God. I had to have Him. He brought me out of the lowest point of my life. I can say that without Him, I may not be here, today.

So what does this have to do with my reason for preaching the gospel? I'd have to reiterate what I just said. I was at a point that I seriously contemplated ending my life. I was alone and lost, but in the midst of that, He found me. He comforted. He sustained me. He saved me.
Over the years, He's worked in my life, and the lives of my friends and loved ones, and I've had the amazing opportunity to sit back and observe how truly great the God who I serve is. It is my duty, my pleasure, my honor to be able to live my life in servitude to the Creator of the universe.

I now preach the gospel so that people who are just like I was, lost, alone, scared, and searching, can hear the truth and know that their lives can be so much more if they just surrender to Him. I want the world to know that He turns ashes into beauty. I preach the gospel because I can't think of anything better I could be doing with my life.
In realizing why I preach the gospel, its like I almost have a better view of my future. It gives what I'm currently doing with my life, greater purpose, and it puts into better perspective what God has already used me to do.


Have you ever really thought it through? What's your reason? Why do YOU preach the gospel?

When I Want to Ask Why?, I Remeber Why

All my life, I had this vision of what I'd be doing when I "grew up." Now that I'm there, the picture of my life is nothing like I thought it be. I never thought I'd give up dreams to pursue ministry..and this is what my heart has been turning over and over for the past two years, maybe even longer.

When you're little, you are always asked,"What do you want to be when you grow up?" Your answers were probably something like,"a ballerina" or "a baker." Thats what mine were. At the time, that's what I thought I wanted. Those things brought me great joy, so in my naive state of mind, I decided to devote myself entirely to them. Fast forward, and through a series of events, my plans were drastically changed. I ended up moving across the world instead of into my freshman dorm. Where my puzzlement comes in is the fact that yes, I did the will of God, but I still have the desires that I used to. Thats not to say I haven't immensly enjoyed what I've pursued.

If I had the chance to ask God a question, I'd simply ask,"Why?" Why did I get injured when I wanted to pursue dance? Why did I move all the way across the world? Why haven't fulfilled my lifelong dream of having "the college experience."

I do believe I've gained a better understanding to why God doesn't tell us why. First off, when we know one answer, we're always asking for the next. Second, what would be the adventure on life if we knew the end from the beginning?

I recently started working for the Silver Ring Thing. We travel the country and put on large, concert style events and our goal is to stress the importance of Christ centered abstinence. I've been on the road a month, and my, has it been a learning, growing, stretching experience. God has blessed us with incredible leadership and I believe He's given the exact wisdom they need to lead us all in to victory.(LOL) They have this thing about questions...they don't like them. To inform us of the days plans, they send a text stating in a general fashion what we should be prepared for. Now, when I say general, I mean general. For example," Please be at the bus my 8:45 with all of your belongings ready to head to___________________(insert next city on the tour circuit.)We'll discuss options for tomorrow's plans."
 Now, I don't know if its just me, but that leaves alot of room for interpretation. I also don't know if its just me, but I'm a type A control freak kinda gal, and I like to be prepared... NO, I love to be prepared. I feel its essential to my emotional and mental well being. We'll just say that I've had to really adjust and learn to be prepared for anything, whether that means packing a bag with everything from running shoes to a bathing suit, I have to be ready and trust in my leadership to not ask them the questions that they so hate. It hasn't been easy, but I think its been very good for me especially in application to my spiritual life.
If you've ever read any of my previous blogs, you know this is something I struggle with on an almost daily basis. I have such a problem giving God full control. Not that I don't trust Him, but maybe I don't trust Him enough.
He's told me where I'm going to go. I'm here, doing what He's called me to do at this particular point in time. So shouldn't I just be content to do that? I wish.
I absolutely love my job! I've honestly never been happier in my entire life. This is an answer to many prayers and desires that I've whispered to God over many years. But can you believe that even in the midst of that, I still have questions.... wondering about what my future will hold and who I'll spend it with?
I know one thing is for sure. God is using this time in my life, when He's not answering my questions, to teach me patience and trust. Strength will rise when I wait upon the Lord. So in this season of my life, when I'm asking "Why, Lord?" I'll try to remind myself to remember why God doesn't tell me why. There are things that He wants me to do and I'm in the perfect spot in my life to do them...I just need to trust Him.
Barely anything in life makes sense when you're going through it, its only afterwards, that the once pixelated screen turns into a crystal clear image.

There's more to it

Lately, I've been feeling very burdened, almost like my heart is sick. I can't shake this inner feeling that something is not right. When I take a step back, I see major imbalance in my life. I see that my choice in television shows hasn't been the greatest(i.e.Teen Mom/Laguna Beach reruns/ Jerseylicious[?] etc), my words have more often than not been used to tear others down instead of build them up, and my radio has been set to Star 100 with Ryan Seacrest. You may be saying to yourself,"Well, thats not that bad." or "Thats what I do." but really, it is. I was keeping up better with the Kardashians than I was with my devotions. I was wasting time on mindless entertainment that I could have been using to build up my spirit.

As a pronounced and proud child of God, my life should be an open book that people can look at, judge, and maybe even learn from. I am not THE standard, but I should be living as if I were. So am I? Am I who I claim to be? Is my life one that can be emulated? These are the questions I've had to ask myself and I'll admit, I haven't liked the answer.

With my recent, exciting news of touring with the Silver Ring Thing, purity has been on my mind. When I think of the word "purity," I automatically think of sexual purity...but its so much more than that. Purity deals with motives, choices, attitudes... Purity should be all encompassing in heart, mind, and spirit.

If I'm listening to a song about being in bed with someone, how is it any different than actually being there? The images are there. The thoughts start to creep in...How is that purity?
What about t.v.? So that dating couple is living together...I'm not doing that, I never would! So why do I let it entertain me?
Let's just say, God has been sending me a message loud and clear. Purity is more than what you do with your body...its what you allow into your ear gates,eye gates, and most importantly, your spirit.

This week, when I was feeling really down. Some of the afore mentioned questions were really weighing on my heart, and I asked God, why? Why have I been feeling distant and disconnected...and then a scripture that I read the night before popped into my head. "Your sin separates you from God." (paraphrased) To which I said, "God, I'm not living in sin," And that is when I realized...I'm not in sin, but I allow sin in my life, through what I watch, listen to, read, obsess over etc.,

We have been called to a higher level of accountability. Things that are okay for other people may not be okay for me. I'm in a position where people are looking at me but if I'm living my life with a compromise here...and another little one there, what message are they receiving? Could I be a stumbling block to them?
I recently read something that said,"Where you invest your love, you invest your life." I think that for too long of a while now, I've been investing my love in the wrong places. I've been so focused on pop culture that I've not been able to focus on what God has been speaking in my life, and that's a dangerous place to be in. All I know is that I want to live a life of complete and total purity. I don't want anything to come between me and God, because when it does, I feel completely lost, alone, and out of control.
I pray that from here on, I'll make better choices in what I allow into my spirit and in what comes out of it.
God, forgive me for so long, letting sinful messages and images into my spirit. I want to be pure before you in everything I think, say, do, watch, and listen to. I give you my heart, I give you my soul. I live for you alone. Every breath that I take, every moment I'm awake, Lord have your way in me.

<3tammy

In loving memory of Leroy Daniel Corbin

Watched him grow from a little boy
with toothless smiles and backyard toys
Those memories, you'll hold forever dear
Watched him grow into a man
When he grew hair and made big plans
Never thought that you'd outlive his years
Watched him stare down the church's aisle
Beautiful bride that made him smile
Can't believe that now he isn't here

What about his Momma? What about his Dad?
What about the good times? And the ones He'll never have?
I'm asking why, Jesus? Was this in your plan?
I don't understand it, but I know its in your hands

Watched him stutter and take a risk
He was new at this, he would admit
Those memories, of falling so in love
Watched him grow into a man
You were starting off and making plans
Never thought you'd lose him at so young
Watched him cradle your little girls
Came home from work, the were his world
They're confused to why he isn't here

(You're asking) What about our children?
What about me?
What about our life here? What will we come to be?
I'm asking why, Jesus? Was this in your plan?
I don't understand it, please hold me in your hands

He watched them grow into little girls
With toothless smiles and ballet twirls
Those memories he'd hold forever dear
He imagined what it be
When they'd grow up with their Momma's beauty
Wondered how many boys that they would want to see
He thought about when he'd walk them down the aisle
They'd hold his arm and through his tears he'd smile
His heart would break cause they would have to leave

What about his daughters?
Now they don't have a Dad
Where's our daddy? They would ask

Oh why, Jesus?
What about his daughters?

Bucket List #73: Go cliff diving

Most people wouldn't expect that moving to a third world country would make some of your lifelong dreams(and crazy goals)  come true, but guess what? They have. Starting with #79. on my list: travel out of the country, and ranging from #67: eat a bug and #63: be on the news, my bucket list items have been crossed off. Well, this week as I traveled to the mountains of Cambodia, I crossed off one of my most anticipated items...#73: Go cliff diving.

I live in Phnom Penh, Cambodia.  American equivalent, Kansas. It's completely flat and trees are few and far between. Before this week, I had not seen a mountain or a pine tree since leaving the US. So, as you can imagine, I was extremely excited at the prospect of visiting the mountains and jungles(and yes, even pine trees) of Mondulkiri Province, Cambodia.

After driving for 7 long, bumpy, and windy hours, and checking into our hotel, we were whisked away to Monorom Falls. Here, you see this beautiful cliff with trees growing out of it and a stream cascading about 25-30 ft. over the edge into a pool below.

As I was on the rocks below, enjoying the splendor above, a boy jumped off! Right then and there, my wheels started turning. Ever since the gripping scene in New Moon when Bella takes the plunge into the waters of La Push beach to see Edward's face, I've been obsessed with the idea of taking the plunge, myself.
     I hesitated at first, telling myself that it was completely and totally crazy, but then I remembered one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies."Always do what you're afraid of." So, I pushed my fears aside, and dared one of my fellow tourers to come along with me.
When I climbed to the top of the cliff, I didn't want to look over the edge.. I didn't want to hesitate, because if I did, I'd be sure to chicken out. So, repeating my mantra over and over in my head, I counted to three, and thus, I am able to tell the tale, now. I'm proud to say that this much anticipated bucket list item of mine has been crossed off, and that I was able to do it in such an exotic locale.

Don't believe I did it?... See for yourself.

rEfLeCtIoNs [2o1l]

2011 is over? My, how time is seemingly flying by. This year was such a huge, monumental year in my life. I crossed so many milestones and took greater risks than I ever have. To look back now, is almost bittersweet. I see so many triumphs and so many failures. I see what I was and now, what I have become. If I had to sum up what 2011 meant to me in one word, I'd say "transition." This year held more ups and downs, back and forths, and utter leaps than I ever expected.

Going all the way back to around the first of the year, I was sitting in a physical therapy office exercising my left ankle to strengthen my injured, stretched tendons. I can see myself sitting there, a semi-confident,driven,hopeful high school senior. The image of that girl is one that I can be happy with. There she was, completely incapable of doing what she loved,dancing, yet she had a good attitude because she was confident and trusting in God's plan[at that time unknown to her] for her life. She knew without the shadow of a doubt that God would use this injury to somehow shape her future...and that was enough for her.

Fast forward to June, I was graduating. I was sitting in the front row, wearing my bright yellow cap and gown, with tears streaming down my face. The image of that girl is one that I can be proud of. There she was, triumphant. She'd done it. She had accomplished what she set out to do. She, the same girl who'd earlier trusted unwaveringly in God,was standing in front of a huge crowd of people who loved and supported her for all her 17 years, announcing that she knew the answer that she'd trusted she would receive. This was a girl who was unafraid. She knew God's will for her, and she was chasing it wholeheartedly. She couldn't help but smile when she was handed her diploma, stating not only that she'd finished, but also representing the fact that those in leadership over her, were proud and confident in what she had chosen for her life and in what and who she had become.

Around the same time, summer was just beginning and it was time for me to take some initiative and get my first job. Well, I didn't have to look far because my job as hostess was somewhat handed to me. The image of this girl is one that I can,now, identify with. She was growing up. She was learning what true responsiblity and accountability were, not only at her job, but in her personal and spirtual lives, as well. She was a fun-loving girl who was trying to enjoy the last few months she had with her family before she had to part with them for a long while. In those months, she learned to appreciate the people who had comforted,loved, and supported her through everything in her life.

For the rest of the summer months, I was preparing for my impending trip. The weight of what I was about to do had not yet set in. The image of this girl is almost the same as that of the last. She was figuring things out, and trying to make the most of every moment.
     As she was baptized before a crowd of witnesses, the perceptions began to change as she realized that everything she'd do from now on, she would answer before the Lord for.
    As she watched her best friend get married to the man that she'd fallen in love with, she thought mostly about how things in life aren't what she'd ever expected.
     As she failed the one shot she had at her driver's license, she learned that she shouldn't put such pressure on herself to do and be perfect at everything.
...And as she doubted and worried about the next nine months, she found encouragement from those around her, who were rooting her on to the next stop on the way to her life's destination. In these months, she learned to take nothing, not one moment, for granted. She learned to cherish.
It was now December 21,2011, my eighteenth birthday. I had reached legal adulthood. I had come to the point of complete accountability.
       The image of this girl is one of insecurity and evolution. Over the past six months, she had slowly but surely let herself go. She knew that she could be doing better. In months previous she had such a deep well of trust and hope in God, but at this point, it was completely depleted. All she could see were her failures. She didn't like who she was, in fact she hated her. She was lifeless, lukewarm, and flatlined. She felt nothing. She was simply going through the motions of everyday life. She couldn't help but think back to September when all she saw were the possiblities of what her life could be, to when she was so excited to be in another country, experiencing another culture. She wondered what happened to the girl of her summer months, that laughed at the wind, enjoyed everything, and was hopeful for the future. Most of all, she desired to be who she used to be and to forget who she had become. She had no peace,or happiness, or purpose. She thought so much about the future that her present passed her by without her being able to appreciate or learn from it. She became an obsessive, introspective blob that went through the motions of life without experiencing or enjoying anything. She knew that she needed answers, and she was desperate for them.
But, in the midst of the storms that were going on inside her, she never gave up. She had but the smallest bit of hope that God was going to do something in her life because though she was hopeless, she was faithful to do what God had given her to do.

Today, January 4, 2012 I can say that that small seed of hope that I had has started to germinate. I'm beginning to feel alive and hopeful again. No, its not about the beginning of the year, or a resolution to do better, or even a fresh start. I can admit that the seeds that were once dormant in my heart were that way because of nothing and no one but me.

This weekend, I went away for the New Year to visit Siem Reap province. While I was there, I was amidst a group of complete strangers who didn't speak English. I also did not have internet in my hotel room ie., I had a couple days that I was completely cut off from the rest of the world in which I was able to kind of step back and evaluate my life and how I hoped it would change.
     I began to realize that the past couple months of what felt like wandering through the wilderness was a result of my fears, worries, and doubts crowding out the voice and direction of God in my life. I was no longer trusting in Jehovah Jireh, but "Tammy Jireh." I had literally begun to think of all the things I wanted from life, and trying to figure out how I could force them to fit into God's will. If I felt God leading me to think something or do something that I didn't want to do, I would be paralyzed with fear and in my rebellious spirit, I would push His voice away and convince myself why that couldn't be him. When I would compromise, I knew that God wanted me to stop what I was doing, but I'd tell myself that I'd work on it later.

A couple nights ago, I had this feeling right in the center of my chest. The only way I can describe it was that it was a hole, waiting to be filled. My heart was hungry and ready for something to fill it.
Little did I know, that this was the moment that I'd been waiting so long for. It was the moment that the light switched on and I relized what I'd been longing for, and I believe God orchestrated it.

I was on talking with my cousin and somehow we got onto this topic. I was pouring out my heart and all the frustrations I'd been feeling. I told her how I was so stuck,restless, and lifeless. I told her how much I needed a change but didn't know how to get one.
She told me that she had experienced something very similar. She knew what I was going through and she knew what to say to open my eyes...
She saw that I was trying to control my life and hold onto my dreams so tightly that I couldn't and wouldn't listen to what God was speaking into my life. Instead of living the life of freedom that Jesus came to give to me, I was living in the bondage of my own fear and worry and as a result, I had no peace, joy, or life. She just said,"Surrender, stop trying to hold onto everything." This is the moment that everything that I'd gone through in 2011 made sense. Katie had me listen to a song that is exactly to a T what I needed to hear..and of course, its called Surrender .

My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me

You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?

Is this not what I just explained?!

So what does this have to do on my reflecting on the past year? Well,as I said before, 2011 was all about transition for me. I went into it with alot of fears and doubts about just about everything in my life, but I still had hope.It's now 2012 and guess what? Nothing has changed.

Last year year, I was looking for His "post-graduation" plan for me. I thought that once he told me to do in the fall that my whole life would suddenly fall into place and I'd never have another question or concern, I know,and I admit how naive I truly am.
I'm living the plan that God had for me but I again, nothing has changed. I still have questions and concerns. I still have no clue what my life is about or what I want out of it, however, I learned something about life in general. Life is a constant uphill battle of learning to trust in God. Yes, the more we trust in God, the easier it becomes, but God is always testing us so that we can learn to trust Him in new and different ways.
I also learned in 2011 that I will never, ever know. What I thought I knew would be my first year of higher education is actually a year in Asia, educating. I know that alot of the things that I thought I knew or learned have changed. But that's because everything is subject to change, and nothing is certain. nothing but God and His word and His plan.
Something else that I was able to realize was that everything we go through shapes who we are into who we will eventually be. An injury caused me to change my focus from what I wanted and made me rely on God to put me someplace, because I culd think of no other option. Its is just amazing to look at my life and say,"Everything REALLY did happen for a reason."

I wouldn't say that I'm disappointed in what 2011 was for me. I learned so much, experienced amazing,lifechanging things, and got a much better perspective on my life and expectations for it.

"2011 for me, is about learning to let go. Not of responsibility -or sanity- rather of me. I,for so long, let myself get in the way of the things that God was doing or speaking into my life. Because I didn't see the big picture i couldn't trust.. this year I want to live recklessly and let god have His way. I want to live this year passionately and whole heartedly without a crutch of fear or stress,
A toast,so to speak, to easy, free living in 2011."

That is how I began last year, and for the better half of the year, I did do that, but then I kind of lost my way. I'd say that for 2012, my resolution is to have no resolution. I find that when I try to force things to happen in my life, God undoubtedly changes my direction...if only to remind me who's in charge of my life.
I saw a banner that read,"Happy New Year! 2012~The Year of Happiness!" Well I'm going to go one step further with a synonym of happiness, and that contentment. I want 2012 to be a year of true contentment in which I am able to stop trying to figure out what's next. I want to be happy, or rather content, with where I am, and what I'm doing. I want to be as free as a bird that listens and goes where she calls. I want to accomplish things that I've always wanted. Most of all, I want to live a life surrendered to God, daily dying to my flesh, and always serving His purposes. Here's a cheers to being a surrendered, willing, and trusting vessel that he is able to do amazing things through. Here's to ending this year better than when it began.

~simplytammy<3

I work better alone...

The hard thing

It would be easy to go back
It would be so easy to call, retract
But no matter what you feel or think
You've got to do the hard thing

Lost before beginning

Its never easy to say goodbye
Everyday, you can try and try
Try to again make it right
but you know, its a losing fight

The pain of moving on

Let go of all I
know
Let go of you
Let go of all the
years
But as I try to move on, I stand
in
an ocean of
my own
tears

Shadows

Shadows from the past have come back to haunt me... How do I escape them?

Weakness=Strength

I'm strong enough to admit that I'm weak.

life.

Life is a constant competition.
If you are not competing against someone else,
you're competing against
yourself.
If you are not competing against yourself,
you're competing against
time.

wanting to be wanted.

We all have those people and relationships in our lives that we have either thrived on or thrown away. We have those people who make everyday the best day of your life. Then there are those people who make you dread life.
Ladies, I know you all have that guy who has made you regret ever letting him in...or giving him your first kiss...letting him take you on your first date. That guy who we all pretend that we hate when we're all still hopelessly in love with. That relationship that we wish all of our might would work. The one that we know never will. I know you know exactly what I'm talking about. And I know that you want exactly what I want, that man who makes you feel so cherished. That man who makes you feel beautiful on your worst of days. That man who whispers those sweet nothings into your ear and kisses you sweetly on the temple. Also, the man that you know beyond the shadow of a doubt you can put your trust in that would never intentionally hurt you.
So I'm going to tell you something that may sound really crazy...I have three guys in our lives.
I feel like I've had the boy in my life that taught me alot. He showed me clearly what was wrong and what I didn't want in a man. He burned me and gave me scars and pain. He's also the one that I've had the hardest time getting over. There's just something about him but I know it will never work out because he didn't care as much about me as much as he cared about himself and the way he felt. He treated me as indispensable and I respect myself enough to say and know that I'm not. I'm worth someone's time, and since obviously it wasn't his, I'm not going to sit and wait for him to realize what he could have had. Even though it's been hard, I've moved on from that boy.
Then there's the boy who's the "possibility."He's the boy I've known all my life who I've always had chemistry with, He's the question mark in my life. I've gone back and forth mentally and after much deliberation and pondering, I've decided, he's not what I want. Yes, there are things about him that I like but not enough for me to actually like him or think about him in any other way than a friend. He just doens't meet up to the bar. He's very immature...just a boy really. Definitely underdeveloped brain... so I won't even let myself go there. We're better off the way we are now... but believe me, in my moments of weakness, I considered him. Kind of like, there was no one better so why not think of my friend? Crazy, I know.
Then there's the man in my life that I've dreamed up... so yes, he's not real....YET. He's the man who is just that, a man. He is the perfect gentleman. He knows when to speak and when I just want to think. He can feel what I'm feeling and respond accordingly. He looks to my needs instead of his own. He would never intentionally hurt or disrespect me. He treats me like the princess I am. He has a sense of self and he's confident but not cocky with who he is and doesn't feel the need to prove himself to anyone but his heavely father.  This man will have a love for God that will shine through everything he does and because of that love, he'll be able to love me the right way for the right reason. He is my perfect match....and you know, I feel like I'm ready for him. I've had my run with those other guys. I feel like my heart is ripe and ready for a relationship with this wonderful man that I've fabricated. I'm like sick of waiting. I just want to be happily "in a relationship" Like really, is it that much to ask? All of my friends are. Kids, 3 and 4 years younger than me are dating and having their "one year anniversarys." I haven't even had my first date!! But when I see these people, I say to myself," Are they in the right relatonship or is it one that was convenient or available when they were lonely. And I ask myself, " Do I want that bad enough that I would compromise just to have it?"

Who's heart isn't ready for the perfect,opposite, compliment to them? Who doesn't want to feel cherished and loved?

I feel like I'm ready for "him" but I'm not the one who determines when my movie moment happens and I bump into "Mr. Perfect". And who knows, he may not be ready to bump into me, his "Mrs. Perfect." (and yes, I do believe God makes one perfect person for everyone He intends to be married)
So I know you're saying to yourself, "This girl is overly hormonal and lonely and insecure and she is like every stupid women you see in the movies who is desperate for male attention." But this is not so, my friend. I've said all this to say to all my lady friends that its OKAY to dream and think of what your future spouse will be like. Also, that its OKAY to ask and talk to God about why He hasn't nudged Mr. Right towards you. These moments are ones where we can pray for patience and peace and passion... all from God. Now, in my perpetually single state, is the time when I can grow close to my Jesus and fall in love with HIM then He( not me,because if it were up to me, I'd meet him tomorrow and be married by January{jk}) can decide when I'm ready to have the great responsibility and privilege to love one of His super fortunate princes. (#confidentnotcocky)
 Use this time in your life when you're wondering about what "your man" will be like to pray for him. He is somewhere in the world having these same thoughts about you...Isn't that comforting? 
Also, to my lovelies, build your standards, now, when there is no handsome boy coming around to beguile or distract you. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. Make a list of what you will and will not do. What you expect and what you disdain so that when the time comes, you're prepared and you can say, "Is this what I want for myself?" "Am I selling myself  short.?" It's important to have standards and I know from it experience that it will save you from heart break.
Lastly, just remember that God knows your heart. He knows and cares about how you feel. If you're feeling exceptionally lonely and you feel like you just need a hug, God gives the best, warmest hugs of anyone. He knows exactly what you need and He's right there to give it. If you're feeling impatient, remember that He knows the beginning from the end and in His timing, He will put you with who He made to be with. I ask that you don't compromise in the seasons of waiting. Trying to do anything your way over God's in life will always bring you up empty. Remember that there are millions of girls in the world who feel the same exact way.

"Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret..."

simplytammy<3

The day I lost my innocence

You know, my blog has been titled "Growing Up: Life As I Live It" and its been based on the progression of my life and expressing how and when I go through things but I actually remember the exact moment I grew up... the moment I realized the world wasn't beautiful fields and flowers. It was September 11,2001.

I was seven years old and in first grade. It was a regular day at school... I remember the exact place I was sitting when one of the high school students in my school came in and informed my teacher that something had happened. Right then and there, I perceived that something was very wrong. I didn't, for a second, think that it had to do with someone in or something pertaining to the school. I remember the mood of the room instantly turning to deep gloom and almost despair. It was then that the director of my school came in and told us that we'd be going home early because something awful had happened to our country. The student who informed us announced the awful tragedy had taken place...
Being seven years old, I really didn't know how to react. I didn't,couldn't, actually wrap my mind around the idea that the crashing of these planes devastated the lives of so many and our country. I didn't know what true evil was. I'd never known or experienced it...I was so naive in my mind. I had the mindset of a child.

Before we were sent home, we prayed together. I watched as many of the upperclassmen and teachers bombarded the heavenlies with pleas for safety and wisdom and comfort for the country and its leaders. I can see the seven year old version of me, standing there wide-eyed  and shocked, not knowing what to think or feel.

We took two kids home so they could be with their family and were invited into there family room to watch the events unfold on their television screen. At that instant, when I saw what really happened, I witnessed complete panic, shock...fear of the people in New York City, I was no longer  seven years old. It was at that exact moment that my eyes were opened to the evils of this world. It was then that I realized that the world wasn't safe and there were people so sick in their mind that they would commit such vulgar acts. I remember seeing the planes crash into the towers and the network replaying it over and over to the point where I couldn't watch anymore. I was too scared...confused.

That day, our country was forced to its knees. We were forced as individuals and as a united nation to look evil in the face. Our president had to decide how we would react to the despicable acts committed against our sovereign nation.

Today on the tenth anniversary of that fateful day, as I watch the memorials and I see the families of those who lost their loved ones, my heart breaks all over again. It breaks for what they lost but also for what I lost...It was as if my childhood was over. I could no longer go through my life as a child without cares or concerns. I was afraid of any man who looked like the nightmarish pictures I'd seen on the news that day... Fear was instilled into my heart and life. Awareness took place of innocence.Naivety was snatched away from me.
I'll always remember that day always. Where I was... How I felt....How my life and lives of so many others, were turned upside down, to never ever be the same.

Bucket List#22: fly on a plane

Yet another one of my bucket list items is scratched off. I have flown on, not one, but three planes. And what an amzing experience it was! My first flight was from Pittsburgh to Chicago...a relatively short flight. It was really only a teaser for the 13 hour flight I'd be on to Seoul, South Korea. The flight to Korea was so so surreal because we were literally traveling back in time...We flew into daylight for 15 hours. It was only when I boarded my flight to Phnom Penh, that the sun set.
Flying for the first time was amazing. I didn't know how I'd like it, but I wasn't really nervous and in the end, I loved it. The aerial views were just amazing and the seats were pretty comfortable. Korean air kept me entertained with a great list of hit movies and snacks about every hour. I felt just about ready to explode when we landed. So airline food isn't the best but hey, I have one less thing to accomplish in my lifetime:]

Pittsburgh International Airport

Clouds-somewhere between Pittsburgh and Chicago

Chicago coastline

Chicago suburbs

Land meets ice in Alaska

Boarding pass counter at O'hare International Airport

Flying over South Korea...this bridge was the only solid land between two islands

Waiting for takeoff

On our way to our final destination

This.was.awesome. Lightning storm and the only light in the pitch-black sky

I'm home!:]

Myself is my responsibility

Growing up, you see alot of people go before you. Some make good choices, some.... not so much. At the same time each person has his own tenets and dogmas that he lives by. Recently, I've found myself so upset when looking at the lives of my friends. All I could see was their errors in judgement and it annoyed me. I would look at their lives and think to myself why they were wrong and what they should be doing instead. Then, whenever one of my friends came to me and he "was at his whit's end" all I could say to myself was, "how immature." Out of nowhere it occurred to me that I am not responsible for the mistakes that others make. I know most people already know that, but something inside of me cares too much. My mistake was the basis on which I was judging them. I believe certain things...I think certain things and if the actions and choices of others didn't match up with that, I had a problem. Naive of me, I know. Anyways, I've learned that while I believe my beliefs to be "right", not everyone does. The only thing I can base my observations on is the Word of God.
This is completely and totally out of the blue, but its a natural part of growing up... so Dear Friends, I'll no longer judge you or look down on you simply because of what I think, rather I'll live based on my convictions and beliefs and hoepfully(I'll try my hardest) I'll be an example of someone who lives righteously and according to God's word.

~simply tammy<3

rEfLeCtIoNs[2o1o]

Reflecting on the past can only ever make the future better. This was not an easy year. It had many rough patches but I made it through in one piece:)

2010.
What a year. Looking back is almost surreal because it flew by faster than the speed of sound. I honestly have no clue where it went. Maybe the reason why I feel this way is beacuse I did so much to fill it. I finished eleventh grade and started twelfth!(woot woot) I danced straight through the summer. I got on pointe!(lifelong dream accomplished!) I matured while at the same time I let go of my inhibitions and learned to be a kid. I got close to a few wonderful girls but at the same time, I grew apart from my dearest and closest friend. I finally figured out that I don't know whats next and decided that that was okay. I became more realistic about life and peolpe and goals.  I sang  karaoke.
Obviously I did more than this^.. but does it really matter?... the most important thing I got from 2010 was a better understanding of myself. Time changes people and I know thats true because I am a completely different person than I was 365 days ago. I like who I'm becoming and that's one of the best lessons anyone can learn.
People often ask me what my plans are, post graduation. For probably about 75% of last year I worried and tossed and turned over that question because I honestly had no clue. And guess what...i still don't. The only difference now is I'm okay with it. I'm not  as worried as I am much as curious. I'm not  as scared as much as I am anxious. Yes, there are defnitely things i want to do with my life and I will.. eventually. 2011 for me, is about learning to let go. Not of responsibility -or sanity- rather of me. I,for so long, let myself get in the way of the things that God was doing or speaking into my life. Because I didn't see the big picture i couldn't trust.. this year I want to live recklessly and let god have His way. I want to live this year passionately and whole heartedly without a crutch of fear or stress,
A toast,so to speak, to easy, free living in 2011.

Now let's see where He takes me...

~simply tammy♥

It won't fill you

Is there something in you that has always, for some unknown reason, been in your heart? Something that you always wanted to do?Or be?
Innate desires. We all have them. Mine happen to be, "be" a disney channel leading lady and a figure skater. I  can't really explain why I have this burning passion to be these things but I always have and I feel like I always will.

Have you ever gone shopping and found one thing that stole your attention and you knew that if you didn't buy it you would never forget it and always regret not buying? Happens to me often..but what does this have to do with anything?
 Well, let's say life is a store and the merchandise is all of the opportunities of life. Ok, so you go into this store right? and you're looking for something to buy(do). Some things are too high priced(high risk) some things you have no interest in, somethings you've always looked at and wanted to buy(do). Now you have the choice... will you buy(do) the things that you always wanted, or walk away and later regret it?

This is where I am right now in life. I feel what with my high school graduation right around the corner, the store of life is just opening to me. I can do or be whatever I want to be....

So often kids my age think that graduating is the key to all of their dreams.In a way it is, but not without what economic brains like to call, opportunity costs.(Opportunity cost is the cost related to the next-best choice available to someone who has picked among several mutually exclusive choices) Basically the choosing between this or that. Choosing between the things that you've always wanted to do. For some reason, whether it be our human nature or not, we all have those things that we will always want and we won't rest until we have them.



but they won't fill you...the only thing that will is always readily available. The only opportunity cost would be to give up the sinful nature in which you live and turn toward a better way of life.

Lets go back to the store scenario. When you found that thing that you loved and wanted and then bought.... tell me that its not on the floor two weeks later or in the back of your closet, completely forgotten. Ninety percent of having something is the wanting of it. Usually the things we think that we want end up leaving us more empty or unsatisfied. And then we look to new things.

Why is it, that we look at celebrities lives and automatically think that that's what we should be. Rich, beautiful, and glamorous. For some reason we never see that they are some of the most messed up people...ever. Drug addicted, depressed, and empty.
Demi Lovato is one of my favorite teenage celebrities. She recently checked herself into rehab for cutting and eating disorders. She,who always looks so happy and content with her celebrity life, checked into rehab. Tell me then, that money and beauty and fame, satisfy a person.

They don't.

Nothing can and will fill us accept the Lord Jesus Christ. Nothing will satisfy us, no relationship,thing,person,activity,career path,until we are first fully satisfied in the God. So why even look anywhere else? In this new year of 2011, I want to look solely to the Lord for my security,strength and satisfaction.

~simply tammy<3

thoughts.

If you makes compromise, it compromises you because you are never really happy with the end result.
~rose cummings

I can't try to live others lives for them according to what I or how I see things. I can live simply according to my own standards and holdfast to what I know is true.I can only learn from their exact opposite of them. I can only feel and be responsible for my own actions.
9.9.10

Never let anger-no matter how great it is-hinder your ability to love.
9.9.10

I use my disappointments to get closer to who I want to be. I see what has let me down and put it towards something constructive. I resolve from my disapointments that I won't waver in the decisions[choices] that I have made. Compromise is never a choice.Wavering is unnaceptable. No one can take me,or my goals, seriously if I at first don't.

more from me!

ello poppits!

Just wanted to letcha know that i have an additonal blog! While this blog is basically a compilation of thoughts and events in my life, mi nouveau blog is all things fashion! (Explicitly and strictly fashion:).. so click your little behind over to http://fortheloveoffashions.blogspot.com/ and get reading!!(and commenting!) love you all. more to come on both blogs!!

cheers♥

~simply tammy

Matthew Mashburn

Feeling all alone
I need my one

My someone to hold
I have one as I am told

Oh where are you my one
I know you need your someone

Lets find each other
Then we will look no further

Cause now we are in love
And flying like a dove

oh how perfectly and eloquently he puts this.

~simply tammy♥

Bucket list #61:sing karaoke

my definition of karaoke: a way of self exploitation in the form of "entertainment"in front of a very large group of people. When one "karaokes" they are risking low self esteem,possible embarrassment and a guaranteed mark on the histories of a bunch of middle aged technicians and their families.woowhoo.

It's no secret that I like to sing. A day doesn't go by~to my sister's annoyance~that I don't open my mouth and belt a few ballads. I guess its safe to say that I love to sing.

Yesterday,August 29,2010, I attended "Comcast company picnic" at Kennywood Park. Every year my father's employer hosts the event and provides refreshments and "entertainment" for the employees and their families and all of the festivities take place in a few large pavilions. The "entertainment" is mostly provided by a bunch of preteen girls who seem to aspire to be the next Hannah Montana or Demi Lovato. Their form of exposure...karaoke.I would have never allowed myself to karaoke but my family pressured me to..
...so alas! I went to the level of the young preteen girls and "karaokeid" and actually had alot of fun. I was nervous at first but I pushed through and was well received with the biggest round of applause the entire day. Henceforth number 61 of my bucket list is now completed!


the proof is in the pudding!
~simply tammy♥

misconstrued love

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine

)this,^ is probably my favorite explanation of what love is)

Many great and wise philosophers have tried to explain love. Some say it's an emotion, others argue that it's a choice, but doesn't it go deeper than that?
If one would survey the entire population of planet earth asking the question," what do you think a person looks for in life?", the answer would most likely be success(money) or LOVE.
Thousands(and I mean thousands) of recording artists have tried to describe love, (If you go onto playlist.com and search the word love, more than 17 thousand results come up) but I have never heard a song that perfectly describes what I think love to be. Maybe the reason that nothing has satisfied my preconceived ideas of what love is, is that everyone has a different idea. Yes, when any person is in love they get butterflies and they feel unstoppable but it goes deeper than that... In the second quote^, it says,"Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away.." So.. the "butterfly" feeling isn't what describes LOVE rather than being in love.

I think often about what honest and true love is. Not giddy feelings. Not the desperate need for another person. So what? What is LOVE?!

The answer is there is no answer...at least that human intellect can grasp. I know that,"God is love" but do I know what that means?... not really. I know that God's love is absolutely unconditional. I know his love isn't understandable. But how much he loves actually is. He sent his own son. He made the ultimate sacrifice. He loved me so much that he gave his own son..just for me..for us.So, yes God IS love, but what then does it mean when a human loves or says, " I love you?"
I think it means a number of things.
1. there is an unexplainable emotional response to a person(such as: smiling when thinking of them or being unable to get them out of your mind)
2.there is an unexplainable instinct(that if need be) you would give of yourself(even to the death) for that person(just like Jesus)
3.there is no way you can imagine your life without that person by your side

You're probably saying to yourself,"psht, she's only sixteen what does she know of love?".. well I'd say that I personally don't know what my "true love" is but I know that I have it around me in many variations and stages. My sister,for example, just got married. The love between her and her wonderful husband is probably still in that butterfly,newlywed stage. The fact that it's "new love" doesn't invalidate it one bit. I believe that they are finding out together what love truly and honestly is.
A different love would be the love between my parents. They've been married almost 30 years now and have held on to eachother. I know it wasn't always easy for them and there were probably times that they wanted to give up.. but they didn't. They(i know) have "A love as strong as death" as Song of Solomon says. Their love is the deeply committed and undying love that alot of people in the world never find.

There are many kinds of love, and many explanations of what love is. I don't think that love will ever be perfectly put into words. I don't think that any recording artist will ever be able to write "the perfect love song."I have an idea of what is, but I'm young and will most likely change that idea many times as I age but for now, I'd say that love, love is unexplainable. Love is commitment. Love is sincere, and we all have our own definition at one point and time.Love means something different to all of us.

what is love to you?

~simply tammy♥