All my life, I had this vision of what I'd be doing when I "grew up." Now that I'm there, the picture of my life is nothing like I thought it be. I never thought I'd give up dreams to pursue ministry..and this is what my heart has been turning over and over for the past two years, maybe even longer.
When you're little, you are always asked,"What do you want to be when you grow up?" Your answers were probably something like,"a ballerina" or "a baker." Thats what mine were. At the time, that's what I thought I wanted. Those things brought me great joy, so in my naive state of mind, I decided to devote myself entirely to them. Fast forward, and through a series of events, my plans were drastically changed. I ended up moving across the world instead of into my freshman dorm. Where my puzzlement comes in is the fact that yes, I did the will of God, but I still have the desires that I used to. Thats not to say I haven't immensly enjoyed what I've pursued.
If I had the chance to ask God a question, I'd simply ask,"Why?" Why did I get injured when I wanted to pursue dance? Why did I move all the way across the world? Why haven't fulfilled my lifelong dream of having "the college experience."
I do believe I've gained a better understanding to why God doesn't tell us why. First off, when we know one answer, we're always asking for the next. Second, what would be the adventure on life if we knew the end from the beginning?
I recently started working for the Silver Ring Thing. We travel the country and put on large, concert style events and our goal is to stress the importance of Christ centered abstinence. I've been on the road a month, and my, has it been a learning, growing, stretching experience. God has blessed us with incredible leadership and I believe He's given the exact wisdom they need to lead us all in to victory.(LOL) They have this thing about questions...they don't like them. To inform us of the days plans, they send a text stating in a general fashion what we should be prepared for. Now, when I say general, I mean general. For example," Please be at the bus my 8:45 with all of your belongings ready to head to___________________(insert next city on the tour circuit.)We'll discuss options for tomorrow's plans."
Now, I don't know if its just me, but that leaves alot of room for interpretation. I also don't know if its just me, but I'm a type A control freak kinda gal, and I like to be prepared... NO, I love to be prepared. I feel its essential to my emotional and mental well being. We'll just say that I've had to really adjust and learn to be prepared for anything, whether that means packing a bag with everything from running shoes to a bathing suit, I have to be ready and trust in my leadership to not ask them the questions that they so hate. It hasn't been easy, but I think its been very good for me especially in application to my spiritual life.
If you've ever read any of my previous blogs, you know this is something I struggle with on an almost daily basis. I have such a problem giving God full control. Not that I don't trust Him, but maybe I don't trust Him enough.
He's told me where I'm going to go. I'm here, doing what He's called me to do at this particular point in time. So shouldn't I just be content to do that? I wish.
I absolutely love my job! I've honestly never been happier in my entire life. This is an answer to many prayers and desires that I've whispered to God over many years. But can you believe that even in the midst of that, I still have questions.... wondering about what my future will hold and who I'll spend it with?
I know one thing is for sure. God is using this time in my life, when He's not answering my questions, to teach me patience and trust. Strength will rise when I wait upon the Lord. So in this season of my life, when I'm asking "Why, Lord?" I'll try to remind myself to remember why God doesn't tell me why. There are things that He wants me to do and I'm in the perfect spot in my life to do them...I just need to trust Him.
Barely anything in life makes sense when you're going through it, its only afterwards, that the once pixelated screen turns into a crystal clear image.
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