This New Year's Evening is one very unlike any other I've had. I've been contemplative about this year since my twentieth birthday which has made me reflect back on all this year held. In this contemplation, I've come up with this theory... The tone of the year is contingent upon how you spend your New Years. Let me explain... For New Year's 2013, I was bent on getting dressed up and partying the night away with friends....holes in this plan, I was a mere 19, so party venues were slim to none, also,most of the people I consider friends happen to live out of state. With my undying tenacity, I mustered up a plan with my sister and a close friend and we headed out the a "pumpin," underage New Year's party. This, of course, turned out to be a total bust,I believe, setting my year into a pattern of strange series of misadventures.
2013 was in no way bad...nor was it personally super good, but as I reflected on it, I looked back on reflections of previous years, only realizing that I say this every year. Some say that it is easier to remember the bad, to which I say "they're pessimists," but on further evaluation I realize that I am, in fact, guilty of that. Truth be told, 2013 was an amazing year for me and my family. One sister graduated high school, one graduated nursing school, one announced she was pregnant, and even still, the oldest of us found love after the death of her husband and married, and my brother married his high school sweetheart of six years. Unlike most years, this one did not fly by for me. Just this January I was on tour which allowed me to spend the first five months of this year traveling the country. After that,I spent the summer working two jobs in preparation for college.
Ah, College....many times I almost backed out, but again, that undying tenacity- sometimes a curse- got me there and I became one of 600 eighteen year old freshmen, fresh out of high school. I spent the next three grueling months, again, working two jobs and doing my best to maintain a perfect grade average (I may not have succeeded but I came away with a 3.8). Although I've faced many challenges in my two years off, I did not face one like college. I felt plagued in every way- spiritually,physically, emotionally, and definitely mentally- leaving me completely drained and somewhat despondent.
I struggled a lot through that experience with whether or not I made the right decision in going to school...it had been a lifelong dream I felt I had to fulfill -another theory I've come up with: I maybe just need to get things out of my system. When I achieve or attain what I've always dreamed of it is never what I thought it would be, not making it less satisfying,but helping me not to build things up mentally as I often do *psycho babble over. When the opportunity presented itself, I felt I had to take the leap of faith. Through this experience at a place I thought I'd gain so many of the things my heart desires, I found myself to be very discontent because I didn't get those things. It took turning down one path to realize that it was not the one for me. Through this I realized where I needed to be, and I think I finally realized what I am meant to do.
It was a tough year in which I had to make big decisions, but I think it was more of the fact
that there was no guide book to making those decisions. I am an admitted Google addict so when there is no easy answer I freeze. I tense up. I get anxiety that pulls me deep within myself, causing me to become irritable with most people. It's like, can't you see me trying to process my entire life that is contingent on this one decision?
The good that came from this year would be the gaining of a better self-awareness, a better direction of where I believe I am to go in life, and a better grasp on how to make those big, scary, life decisions.
This year, not because I wanted to, but by default, I'm spending my New Year's Eve, alone-accept for company of my dog nephew- sipping ginger ale from a wine glass, blogging, whilst Eat, Pray, Love provides the perfect inspirational background. I'd like to make 2014 an Eat, Pray, Love kind of experience in stepping back...from social media and popular culture and reverting back to the things that I truly love....reading, writing, fine, classic literature,among many other things. I want to step outside myself in hopes that I get a tad closer to my one true aspiration in life...To make a difference by touching the world around me through the people I'm surrounded by. I'm hoping that in 2014 I really come into my own and settle down into what I'm supposed to do where I'm supposed to do it...or maybe I'll take a few more misadventures...after all, all of these up to this point have made me who I am today...a little rough around the edges but I think I'll be just fine.
"Sometimes your life is defined by a single moment. Let it be today. Go boldly in the direction of your dreams."
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