You know, the world is full of people that love God, and have given their lives to serve Him and His purposes. They are led by Him to places, and given specific things to do. I like to believe that I am one of those people. I love this God. I desire to serve Him with everything in me, but I can honestly say that I haven't thought much about WHY I do...My motivations have been influenced by my upbringing, by the people that taught me from a young age, and from seeing the lives of people who have chosen not to serve God. I believe that those are valid motivators but really, what is MY reason? Why do I have a deep conviction to know God, to love Him, and to give everything I have for His sake?
When you hear about people that were "raised by the church," I can tell you that its absolutely true. I was brought up in a christian family that went to church every Sunday, and was very devoted to serving in the church. My parents are deacons in the church that they've now been attending for 30 years. We were, we are, "that family", and I was "that girl". God, church, righteousness, and all of the "bible stories" were enstilled in me from a very young age. Being that I was "that girl" I almost became desensitized to the truth. I grew comfortable, maybe even laxadasical, in the knowledge of God. Yes, I loved God, as I knew how to, and I lived my life in a way that I grew up learning was right, but I really have a personal relationship with Him.
Fast forward to my teen years. I didn't even know what a personal, committed life in Christ was, because I was riding on the fact that I was a good girl who didn't lie, cheat, or steal.
I can remember the day that all of that changed.
My family was sitting in our living room watching the O'Reilly Factor, and literally out of nowhere, I was bombarded with suicidal thoughts. I remember sitting there trying to push the thoughts away, but I felt I was being attacked not only in my heart, but in my mind. When I realized that trying to think about something else wasn't going to work, I went to my bedroom and pulled out my Bible. I started to vigorously read the Psalms and pray aloud. That was one of the most frightening moments of my life. I feared what I would do to myself if left alone. I kept reading, and turned on a cd, and I could feel the attack begin to subside.
As I sat there that night with my life literally in my hands, I prayed to God. I asked Him to take my life. Yes, as I child I asked Him into my heart, but that night was the night that I recognized how much I needed God because I knew only He could save me from myself.
These attacks went on for quite a while, but I began to learn how to combat them... The word of God, and unceasing prayer. At that time in my life, you would not see me without my bible.
These attacks for my spirit were so severe that if I even saw a knife, I'd start to think of cutting myself, and would have to leave the room.
Looking back on those delicate months of my life, I see that while I was scared, God was laying the foundation to my Christian walk. I could not go a day with reading the Bible. Bottom line, I needed God. I had to have Him. He brought me out of the lowest point of my life. I can say that without Him, I may not be here, today.
So what does this have to do with my reason for preaching the gospel? I'd have to reiterate what I just said. I was at a point that I seriously contemplated ending my life. I was alone and lost, but in the midst of that, He found me. He comforted. He sustained me. He saved me.
Over the years, He's worked in my life, and the lives of my friends and loved ones, and I've had the amazing opportunity to sit back and observe how truly great the God who I serve is. It is my duty, my pleasure, my honor to be able to live my life in servitude to the Creator of the universe.
I now preach the gospel so that people who are just like I was, lost, alone, scared, and searching, can hear the truth and know that their lives can be so much more if they just surrender to Him. I want the world to know that He turns ashes into beauty. I preach the gospel because I can't think of anything better I could be doing with my life.
In realizing why I preach the gospel, its like I almost have a better view of my future. It gives what I'm currently doing with my life, greater purpose, and it puts into better perspective what God has already used me to do.
Have you ever really thought it through? What's your reason? Why do YOU preach the gospel?
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Monday, September 3, 2012
When I Want to Ask Why?, I Remeber Why
All my life, I had this vision of what I'd be doing when I "grew up." Now that I'm there, the picture of my life is nothing like I thought it be. I never thought I'd give up dreams to pursue ministry..and this is what my heart has been turning over and over for the past two years, maybe even longer.
When you're little, you are always asked,"What do you want to be when you grow up?" Your answers were probably something like,"a ballerina" or "a baker." Thats what mine were. At the time, that's what I thought I wanted. Those things brought me great joy, so in my naive state of mind, I decided to devote myself entirely to them. Fast forward, and through a series of events, my plans were drastically changed. I ended up moving across the world instead of into my freshman dorm. Where my puzzlement comes in is the fact that yes, I did the will of God, but I still have the desires that I used to. Thats not to say I haven't immensly enjoyed what I've pursued.
If I had the chance to ask God a question, I'd simply ask,"Why?" Why did I get injured when I wanted to pursue dance? Why did I move all the way across the world? Why haven't fulfilled my lifelong dream of having "the college experience."
I do believe I've gained a better understanding to why God doesn't tell us why. First off, when we know one answer, we're always asking for the next. Second, what would be the adventure on life if we knew the end from the beginning?
I recently started working for the Silver Ring Thing. We travel the country and put on large, concert style events and our goal is to stress the importance of Christ centered abstinence. I've been on the road a month, and my, has it been a learning, growing, stretching experience. God has blessed us with incredible leadership and I believe He's given the exact wisdom they need to lead us all in to victory.(LOL) They have this thing about questions...they don't like them. To inform us of the days plans, they send a text stating in a general fashion what we should be prepared for. Now, when I say general, I mean general. For example," Please be at the bus my 8:45 with all of your belongings ready to head to___________________(insert next city on the tour circuit.)We'll discuss options for tomorrow's plans."
Now, I don't know if its just me, but that leaves alot of room for interpretation. I also don't know if its just me, but I'm a type A control freak kinda gal, and I like to be prepared... NO, I love to be prepared. I feel its essential to my emotional and mental well being. We'll just say that I've had to really adjust and learn to be prepared for anything, whether that means packing a bag with everything from running shoes to a bathing suit, I have to be ready and trust in my leadership to not ask them the questions that they so hate. It hasn't been easy, but I think its been very good for me especially in application to my spiritual life.
If you've ever read any of my previous blogs, you know this is something I struggle with on an almost daily basis. I have such a problem giving God full control. Not that I don't trust Him, but maybe I don't trust Him enough.
He's told me where I'm going to go. I'm here, doing what He's called me to do at this particular point in time. So shouldn't I just be content to do that? I wish.
I absolutely love my job! I've honestly never been happier in my entire life. This is an answer to many prayers and desires that I've whispered to God over many years. But can you believe that even in the midst of that, I still have questions.... wondering about what my future will hold and who I'll spend it with?
I know one thing is for sure. God is using this time in my life, when He's not answering my questions, to teach me patience and trust. Strength will rise when I wait upon the Lord. So in this season of my life, when I'm asking "Why, Lord?" I'll try to remind myself to remember why God doesn't tell me why. There are things that He wants me to do and I'm in the perfect spot in my life to do them...I just need to trust Him.
Barely anything in life makes sense when you're going through it, its only afterwards, that the once pixelated screen turns into a crystal clear image.
When you're little, you are always asked,"What do you want to be when you grow up?" Your answers were probably something like,"a ballerina" or "a baker." Thats what mine were. At the time, that's what I thought I wanted. Those things brought me great joy, so in my naive state of mind, I decided to devote myself entirely to them. Fast forward, and through a series of events, my plans were drastically changed. I ended up moving across the world instead of into my freshman dorm. Where my puzzlement comes in is the fact that yes, I did the will of God, but I still have the desires that I used to. Thats not to say I haven't immensly enjoyed what I've pursued.
If I had the chance to ask God a question, I'd simply ask,"Why?" Why did I get injured when I wanted to pursue dance? Why did I move all the way across the world? Why haven't fulfilled my lifelong dream of having "the college experience."
I do believe I've gained a better understanding to why God doesn't tell us why. First off, when we know one answer, we're always asking for the next. Second, what would be the adventure on life if we knew the end from the beginning?
I recently started working for the Silver Ring Thing. We travel the country and put on large, concert style events and our goal is to stress the importance of Christ centered abstinence. I've been on the road a month, and my, has it been a learning, growing, stretching experience. God has blessed us with incredible leadership and I believe He's given the exact wisdom they need to lead us all in to victory.(LOL) They have this thing about questions...they don't like them. To inform us of the days plans, they send a text stating in a general fashion what we should be prepared for. Now, when I say general, I mean general. For example," Please be at the bus my 8:45 with all of your belongings ready to head to___________________(insert next city on the tour circuit.)We'll discuss options for tomorrow's plans."
Now, I don't know if its just me, but that leaves alot of room for interpretation. I also don't know if its just me, but I'm a type A control freak kinda gal, and I like to be prepared... NO, I love to be prepared. I feel its essential to my emotional and mental well being. We'll just say that I've had to really adjust and learn to be prepared for anything, whether that means packing a bag with everything from running shoes to a bathing suit, I have to be ready and trust in my leadership to not ask them the questions that they so hate. It hasn't been easy, but I think its been very good for me especially in application to my spiritual life.
If you've ever read any of my previous blogs, you know this is something I struggle with on an almost daily basis. I have such a problem giving God full control. Not that I don't trust Him, but maybe I don't trust Him enough.
He's told me where I'm going to go. I'm here, doing what He's called me to do at this particular point in time. So shouldn't I just be content to do that? I wish.
I absolutely love my job! I've honestly never been happier in my entire life. This is an answer to many prayers and desires that I've whispered to God over many years. But can you believe that even in the midst of that, I still have questions.... wondering about what my future will hold and who I'll spend it with?
I know one thing is for sure. God is using this time in my life, when He's not answering my questions, to teach me patience and trust. Strength will rise when I wait upon the Lord. So in this season of my life, when I'm asking "Why, Lord?" I'll try to remind myself to remember why God doesn't tell me why. There are things that He wants me to do and I'm in the perfect spot in my life to do them...I just need to trust Him.
Barely anything in life makes sense when you're going through it, its only afterwards, that the once pixelated screen turns into a crystal clear image.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
There's more to it
Lately, I've been feeling very burdened, almost like my heart is sick. I can't shake this inner feeling that something is not right. When I take a step back, I see major imbalance in my life. I see that my choice in television shows hasn't been the greatest(i.e.Teen Mom/Laguna Beach reruns/ Jerseylicious[?] etc), my words have more often than not been used to tear others down instead of build them up, and my radio has been set to Star 100 with Ryan Seacrest. You may be saying to yourself,"Well, thats not that bad." or "Thats what I do." but really, it is. I was keeping up better with the Kardashians than I was with my devotions. I was wasting time on mindless entertainment that I could have been using to build up my spirit.
As a pronounced and proud child of God, my life should be an open book that people can look at, judge, and maybe even learn from. I am not THE standard, but I should be living as if I were. So am I? Am I who I claim to be? Is my life one that can be emulated? These are the questions I've had to ask myself and I'll admit, I haven't liked the answer.
With my recent, exciting news of touring with the Silver Ring Thing, purity has been on my mind. When I think of the word "purity," I automatically think of sexual purity...but its so much more than that. Purity deals with motives, choices, attitudes... Purity should be all encompassing in heart, mind, and spirit.
If I'm listening to a song about being in bed with someone, how is it any different than actually being there? The images are there. The thoughts start to creep in...How is that purity?
What about t.v.? So that dating couple is living together...I'm not doing that, I never would! So why do I let it entertain me?
Let's just say, God has been sending me a message loud and clear. Purity is more than what you do with your body...its what you allow into your ear gates,eye gates, and most importantly, your spirit.
This week, when I was feeling really down. Some of the afore mentioned questions were really weighing on my heart, and I asked God, why? Why have I been feeling distant and disconnected...and then a scripture that I read the night before popped into my head. "Your sin separates you from God." (paraphrased) To which I said, "God, I'm not living in sin," And that is when I realized...I'm not in sin, but I allow sin in my life, through what I watch, listen to, read, obsess over etc.,
We have been called to a higher level of accountability. Things that are okay for other people may not be okay for me. I'm in a position where people are looking at me but if I'm living my life with a compromise here...and another little one there, what message are they receiving? Could I be a stumbling block to them?
I recently read something that said,"Where you invest your love, you invest your life." I think that for too long of a while now, I've been investing my love in the wrong places. I've been so focused on pop culture that I've not been able to focus on what God has been speaking in my life, and that's a dangerous place to be in. All I know is that I want to live a life of complete and total purity. I don't want anything to come between me and God, because when it does, I feel completely lost, alone, and out of control.
I pray that from here on, I'll make better choices in what I allow into my spirit and in what comes out of it.
God, forgive me for so long, letting sinful messages and images into my spirit. I want to be pure before you in everything I think, say, do, watch, and listen to. I give you my heart, I give you my soul. I live for you alone. Every breath that I take, every moment I'm awake, Lord have your way in me.
<3tammy
As a pronounced and proud child of God, my life should be an open book that people can look at, judge, and maybe even learn from. I am not THE standard, but I should be living as if I were. So am I? Am I who I claim to be? Is my life one that can be emulated? These are the questions I've had to ask myself and I'll admit, I haven't liked the answer.
With my recent, exciting news of touring with the Silver Ring Thing, purity has been on my mind. When I think of the word "purity," I automatically think of sexual purity...but its so much more than that. Purity deals with motives, choices, attitudes... Purity should be all encompassing in heart, mind, and spirit.
If I'm listening to a song about being in bed with someone, how is it any different than actually being there? The images are there. The thoughts start to creep in...How is that purity?
What about t.v.? So that dating couple is living together...I'm not doing that, I never would! So why do I let it entertain me?
Let's just say, God has been sending me a message loud and clear. Purity is more than what you do with your body...its what you allow into your ear gates,eye gates, and most importantly, your spirit.
This week, when I was feeling really down. Some of the afore mentioned questions were really weighing on my heart, and I asked God, why? Why have I been feeling distant and disconnected...and then a scripture that I read the night before popped into my head. "Your sin separates you from God." (paraphrased) To which I said, "God, I'm not living in sin," And that is when I realized...I'm not in sin, but I allow sin in my life, through what I watch, listen to, read, obsess over etc.,
We have been called to a higher level of accountability. Things that are okay for other people may not be okay for me. I'm in a position where people are looking at me but if I'm living my life with a compromise here...and another little one there, what message are they receiving? Could I be a stumbling block to them?
I recently read something that said,"Where you invest your love, you invest your life." I think that for too long of a while now, I've been investing my love in the wrong places. I've been so focused on pop culture that I've not been able to focus on what God has been speaking in my life, and that's a dangerous place to be in. All I know is that I want to live a life of complete and total purity. I don't want anything to come between me and God, because when it does, I feel completely lost, alone, and out of control.
I pray that from here on, I'll make better choices in what I allow into my spirit and in what comes out of it.
God, forgive me for so long, letting sinful messages and images into my spirit. I want to be pure before you in everything I think, say, do, watch, and listen to. I give you my heart, I give you my soul. I live for you alone. Every breath that I take, every moment I'm awake, Lord have your way in me.
<3tammy
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
In loving memory of Leroy Daniel Corbin
Watched him grow from a little boy
with toothless smiles and backyard toys
Those memories, you'll hold forever dear
Watched him grow into a man
When he grew hair and made big plans
Never thought that you'd outlive his years
Watched him stare down the church's aisle
Beautiful bride that made him smile
Can't believe that now he isn't here
What about his Momma? What about his Dad?
What about the good times? And the ones He'll never have?
I'm asking why, Jesus? Was this in your plan?
I don't understand it, but I know its in your hands
Watched him stutter and take a risk
He was new at this, he would admit
Those memories, of falling so in love
Watched him grow into a man
You were starting off and making plans
Never thought you'd lose him at so young
Watched him cradle your little girls
Came home from work, the were his world
They're confused to why he isn't here
(You're asking) What about our children?
What about me?
What about our life here? What will we come to be?
I'm asking why, Jesus? Was this in your plan?
I don't understand it, please hold me in your hands
He watched them grow into little girls
With toothless smiles and ballet twirls
Those memories he'd hold forever dear
He imagined what it be
When they'd grow up with their Momma's beauty
Wondered how many boys that they would want to see
He thought about when he'd walk them down the aisle
They'd hold his arm and through his tears he'd smile
His heart would break cause they would have to leave
What about his daughters?
Now they don't have a Dad
Where's our daddy? They would ask
Oh why, Jesus?
What about his daughters?
with toothless smiles and backyard toys
Those memories, you'll hold forever dear
Watched him grow into a man
When he grew hair and made big plans
Never thought that you'd outlive his years
Watched him stare down the church's aisle
Beautiful bride that made him smile
Can't believe that now he isn't here
What about his Momma? What about his Dad?
What about the good times? And the ones He'll never have?
I'm asking why, Jesus? Was this in your plan?
I don't understand it, but I know its in your hands
Watched him stutter and take a risk
He was new at this, he would admit
Those memories, of falling so in love
Watched him grow into a man
You were starting off and making plans
Never thought you'd lose him at so young
Watched him cradle your little girls
Came home from work, the were his world
They're confused to why he isn't here
(You're asking) What about our children?
What about me?
What about our life here? What will we come to be?
I'm asking why, Jesus? Was this in your plan?
I don't understand it, please hold me in your hands
He watched them grow into little girls
With toothless smiles and ballet twirls
Those memories he'd hold forever dear
He imagined what it be
When they'd grow up with their Momma's beauty
Wondered how many boys that they would want to see
He thought about when he'd walk them down the aisle
They'd hold his arm and through his tears he'd smile
His heart would break cause they would have to leave
What about his daughters?
Now they don't have a Dad
Where's our daddy? They would ask
Oh why, Jesus?
What about his daughters?
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Bucket List #73: Go cliff diving
Most people wouldn't expect that moving to a third world country would make some of your lifelong dreams(and crazy goals) come true, but guess what? They have. Starting with #79. on my list: travel out of the country, and ranging from #67: eat a bug and #63: be on the news, my bucket list items have been crossed off. Well, this week as I traveled to the mountains of Cambodia, I crossed off one of my most anticipated items...#73: Go cliff diving.
I live in Phnom Penh, Cambodia. American equivalent, Kansas. It's completely flat and trees are few and far between. Before this week, I had not seen a mountain or a pine tree since leaving the US. So, as you can imagine, I was extremely excited at the prospect of visiting the mountains and jungles(and yes, even pine trees) of Mondulkiri Province, Cambodia.
After driving for 7 long, bumpy, and windy hours, and checking into our hotel, we were whisked away to Monorom Falls. Here, you see this beautiful cliff with trees growing out of it and a stream cascading about 25-30 ft. over the edge into a pool below.
As I was on the rocks below, enjoying the splendor above, a boy jumped off! Right then and there, my wheels started turning. Ever since the gripping scene in New Moon when Bella takes the plunge into the waters of La Push beach to see Edward's face, I've been obsessed with the idea of taking the plunge, myself.
I hesitated at first, telling myself that it was completely and totally crazy, but then I remembered one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies."Always do what you're afraid of." So, I pushed my fears aside, and dared one of my fellow tourers to come along with me.
When I climbed to the top of the cliff, I didn't want to look over the edge.. I didn't want to hesitate, because if I did, I'd be sure to chicken out. So, repeating my mantra over and over in my head, I counted to three, and thus, I am able to tell the tale, now. I'm proud to say that this much anticipated bucket list item of mine has been crossed off, and that I was able to do it in such an exotic locale.
Don't believe I did it?... See for yourself.
I live in Phnom Penh, Cambodia. American equivalent, Kansas. It's completely flat and trees are few and far between. Before this week, I had not seen a mountain or a pine tree since leaving the US. So, as you can imagine, I was extremely excited at the prospect of visiting the mountains and jungles(and yes, even pine trees) of Mondulkiri Province, Cambodia.
As I was on the rocks below, enjoying the splendor above, a boy jumped off! Right then and there, my wheels started turning. Ever since the gripping scene in New Moon when Bella takes the plunge into the waters of La Push beach to see Edward's face, I've been obsessed with the idea of taking the plunge, myself.
I hesitated at first, telling myself that it was completely and totally crazy, but then I remembered one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies."Always do what you're afraid of." So, I pushed my fears aside, and dared one of my fellow tourers to come along with me.
When I climbed to the top of the cliff, I didn't want to look over the edge.. I didn't want to hesitate, because if I did, I'd be sure to chicken out. So, repeating my mantra over and over in my head, I counted to three, and thus, I am able to tell the tale, now. I'm proud to say that this much anticipated bucket list item of mine has been crossed off, and that I was able to do it in such an exotic locale.
Don't believe I did it?... See for yourself.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
rEfLeCtIoNs [2o1l]
2011 is over? My, how time is seemingly flying by. This year was such a huge, monumental year in my life. I crossed so many milestones and took greater risks than I ever have. To look back now, is almost bittersweet. I see so many triumphs and so many failures. I see what I was and now, what I have become. If I had to sum up what 2011 meant to me in one word, I'd say "transition." This year held more ups and downs, back and forths, and utter leaps than I ever expected.
Going all the way back to around the first of the year, I was sitting in a physical therapy office exercising my left ankle to strengthen my injured, stretched tendons. I can see myself sitting there, a semi-confident,driven,hopeful high school senior. The image of that girl is one that I can be happy with. There she was, completely incapable of doing what she loved,dancing, yet she had a good attitude because she was confident and trusting in God's plan[at that time unknown to her] for her life. She knew without the shadow of a doubt that God would use this injury to somehow shape her future...and that was enough for her.
Fast forward to June, I was graduating. I was sitting in the front row, wearing my bright yellow cap and gown, with tears streaming down my face. The image of that girl is one that I can be proud of. There she was, triumphant. She'd done it. She had accomplished what she set out to do. She, the same girl who'd earlier trusted unwaveringly in God,was standing in front of a huge crowd of people who loved and supported her for all her 17 years, announcing that she knew the answer that she'd trusted she would receive. This was a girl who was unafraid. She knew God's will for her, and she was chasing it wholeheartedly. She couldn't help but smile when she was handed her diploma, stating not only that she'd finished, but also representing the fact that those in leadership over her, were proud and confident in what she had chosen for her life and in what and who she had become.
Around the same time, summer was just beginning and it was time for me to take some initiative and get my first job. Well, I didn't have to look far because my job as hostess was somewhat handed to me. The image of this girl is one that I can,now, identify with. She was growing up. She was learning what true responsiblity and accountability were, not only at her job, but in her personal and spirtual lives, as well. She was a fun-loving girl who was trying to enjoy the last few months she had with her family before she had to part with them for a long while. In those months, she learned to appreciate the people who had comforted,loved, and supported her through everything in her life.
For the rest of the summer months, I was preparing for my impending trip. The weight of what I was about to do had not yet set in. The image of this girl is almost the same as that of the last. She was figuring things out, and trying to make the most of every moment.
As she was baptized before a crowd of witnesses, the perceptions began to change as she realized that everything she'd do from now on, she would answer before the Lord for.
As she watched her best friend get married to the man that she'd fallen in love with, she thought mostly about how things in life aren't what she'd ever expected.
As she failed the one shot she had at her driver's license, she learned that she shouldn't put such pressure on herself to do and be perfect at everything.
...And as she doubted and worried about the next nine months, she found encouragement from those around her, who were rooting her on to the next stop on the way to her life's destination. In these months, she learned to take nothing, not one moment, for granted. She learned to cherish.
It was now December 21,2011, my eighteenth birthday. I had reached legal adulthood. I had come to the point of complete accountability.
The image of this girl is one of insecurity and evolution. Over the past six months, she had slowly but surely let herself go. She knew that she could be doing better. In months previous she had such a deep well of trust and hope in God, but at this point, it was completely depleted. All she could see were her failures. She didn't like who she was, in fact she hated her. She was lifeless, lukewarm, and flatlined. She felt nothing. She was simply going through the motions of everyday life. She couldn't help but think back to September when all she saw were the possiblities of what her life could be, to when she was so excited to be in another country, experiencing another culture. She wondered what happened to the girl of her summer months, that laughed at the wind, enjoyed everything, and was hopeful for the future. Most of all, she desired to be who she used to be and to forget who she had become. She had no peace,or happiness, or purpose. She thought so much about the future that her present passed her by without her being able to appreciate or learn from it. She became an obsessive, introspective blob that went through the motions of life without experiencing or enjoying anything. She knew that she needed answers, and she was desperate for them.
But, in the midst of the storms that were going on inside her, she never gave up. She had but the smallest bit of hope that God was going to do something in her life because though she was hopeless, she was faithful to do what God had given her to do.
Today, January 4, 2012 I can say that that small seed of hope that I had has started to germinate. I'm beginning to feel alive and hopeful again. No, its not about the beginning of the year, or a resolution to do better, or even a fresh start. I can admit that the seeds that were once dormant in my heart were that way because of nothing and no one but me.
This weekend, I went away for the New Year to visit Siem Reap province. While I was there, I was amidst a group of complete strangers who didn't speak English. I also did not have internet in my hotel room ie., I had a couple days that I was completely cut off from the rest of the world in which I was able to kind of step back and evaluate my life and how I hoped it would change.
I began to realize that the past couple months of what felt like wandering through the wilderness was a result of my fears, worries, and doubts crowding out the voice and direction of God in my life. I was no longer trusting in Jehovah Jireh, but "Tammy Jireh." I had literally begun to think of all the things I wanted from life, and trying to figure out how I could force them to fit into God's will. If I felt God leading me to think something or do something that I didn't want to do, I would be paralyzed with fear and in my rebellious spirit, I would push His voice away and convince myself why that couldn't be him. When I would compromise, I knew that God wanted me to stop what I was doing, but I'd tell myself that I'd work on it later.
A couple nights ago, I had this feeling right in the center of my chest. The only way I can describe it was that it was a hole, waiting to be filled. My heart was hungry and ready for something to fill it.
Little did I know, that this was the moment that I'd been waiting so long for. It was the moment that the light switched on and I relized what I'd been longing for, and I believe God orchestrated it.
I was on talking with my cousin and somehow we got onto this topic. I was pouring out my heart and all the frustrations I'd been feeling. I told her how I was so stuck,restless, and lifeless. I told her how much I needed a change but didn't know how to get one.
She told me that she had experienced something very similar. She knew what I was going through and she knew what to say to open my eyes...
She saw that I was trying to control my life and hold onto my dreams so tightly that I couldn't and wouldn't listen to what God was speaking into my life. Instead of living the life of freedom that Jesus came to give to me, I was living in the bondage of my own fear and worry and as a result, I had no peace, joy, or life. She just said,"Surrender, stop trying to hold onto everything." This is the moment that everything that I'd gone through in 2011 made sense. Katie had me listen to a song that is exactly to a T what I needed to hear..and of course, its called Surrender .
My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?
Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me
You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?
Is this not what I just explained?!
So what does this have to do on my reflecting on the past year? Well,as I said before, 2011 was all about transition for me. I went into it with alot of fears and doubts about just about everything in my life, but I still had hope.It's now 2012 and guess what? Nothing has changed.
Last year year, I was looking for His "post-graduation" plan for me. I thought that once he told me to do in the fall that my whole life would suddenly fall into place and I'd never have another question or concern, I know,and I admit how naive I truly am.
I'm living the plan that God had for me but I again, nothing has changed. I still have questions and concerns. I still have no clue what my life is about or what I want out of it, however, I learned something about life in general. Life is a constant uphill battle of learning to trust in God. Yes, the more we trust in God, the easier it becomes, but God is always testing us so that we can learn to trust Him in new and different ways.
I also learned in 2011 that I will never, ever know. What I thought I knew would be my first year of higher education is actually a year in Asia, educating. I know that alot of the things that I thought I knew or learned have changed. But that's because everything is subject to change, and nothing is certain. nothing but God and His word and His plan.
Something else that I was able to realize was that everything we go through shapes who we are into who we will eventually be. An injury caused me to change my focus from what I wanted and made me rely on God to put me someplace, because I culd think of no other option. Its is just amazing to look at my life and say,"Everything REALLY did happen for a reason."
I wouldn't say that I'm disappointed in what 2011 was for me. I learned so much, experienced amazing,lifechanging things, and got a much better perspective on my life and expectations for it.
"2011 for me, is about learning to let go. Not of responsibility -or sanity- rather of me. I,for so long, let myself get in the way of the things that God was doing or speaking into my life. Because I didn't see the big picture i couldn't trust.. this year I want to live recklessly and let god have His way. I want to live this year passionately and whole heartedly without a crutch of fear or stress,
A toast,so to speak, to easy, free living in 2011."
That is how I began last year, and for the better half of the year, I did do that, but then I kind of lost my way. I'd say that for 2012, my resolution is to have no resolution. I find that when I try to force things to happen in my life, God undoubtedly changes my direction...if only to remind me who's in charge of my life.
I saw a banner that read,"Happy New Year! 2012~The Year of Happiness!" Well I'm going to go one step further with a synonym of happiness, and that contentment. I want 2012 to be a year of true contentment in which I am able to stop trying to figure out what's next. I want to be happy, or rather content, with where I am, and what I'm doing. I want to be as free as a bird that listens and goes where she calls. I want to accomplish things that I've always wanted. Most of all, I want to live a life surrendered to God, daily dying to my flesh, and always serving His purposes. Here's a cheers to being a surrendered, willing, and trusting vessel that he is able to do amazing things through. Here's to ending this year better than when it began.
~simplytammy<3
Going all the way back to around the first of the year, I was sitting in a physical therapy office exercising my left ankle to strengthen my injured, stretched tendons. I can see myself sitting there, a semi-confident,driven,hopeful high school senior. The image of that girl is one that I can be happy with. There she was, completely incapable of doing what she loved,dancing, yet she had a good attitude because she was confident and trusting in God's plan[at that time unknown to her] for her life. She knew without the shadow of a doubt that God would use this injury to somehow shape her future...and that was enough for her.
Fast forward to June, I was graduating. I was sitting in the front row, wearing my bright yellow cap and gown, with tears streaming down my face. The image of that girl is one that I can be proud of. There she was, triumphant. She'd done it. She had accomplished what she set out to do. She, the same girl who'd earlier trusted unwaveringly in God,was standing in front of a huge crowd of people who loved and supported her for all her 17 years, announcing that she knew the answer that she'd trusted she would receive. This was a girl who was unafraid. She knew God's will for her, and she was chasing it wholeheartedly. She couldn't help but smile when she was handed her diploma, stating not only that she'd finished, but also representing the fact that those in leadership over her, were proud and confident in what she had chosen for her life and in what and who she had become.
Around the same time, summer was just beginning and it was time for me to take some initiative and get my first job. Well, I didn't have to look far because my job as hostess was somewhat handed to me. The image of this girl is one that I can,now, identify with. She was growing up. She was learning what true responsiblity and accountability were, not only at her job, but in her personal and spirtual lives, as well. She was a fun-loving girl who was trying to enjoy the last few months she had with her family before she had to part with them for a long while. In those months, she learned to appreciate the people who had comforted,loved, and supported her through everything in her life.
For the rest of the summer months, I was preparing for my impending trip. The weight of what I was about to do had not yet set in. The image of this girl is almost the same as that of the last. She was figuring things out, and trying to make the most of every moment.
As she was baptized before a crowd of witnesses, the perceptions began to change as she realized that everything she'd do from now on, she would answer before the Lord for.
As she watched her best friend get married to the man that she'd fallen in love with, she thought mostly about how things in life aren't what she'd ever expected.
As she failed the one shot she had at her driver's license, she learned that she shouldn't put such pressure on herself to do and be perfect at everything.
...And as she doubted and worried about the next nine months, she found encouragement from those around her, who were rooting her on to the next stop on the way to her life's destination. In these months, she learned to take nothing, not one moment, for granted. She learned to cherish.
It was now December 21,2011, my eighteenth birthday. I had reached legal adulthood. I had come to the point of complete accountability.
The image of this girl is one of insecurity and evolution. Over the past six months, she had slowly but surely let herself go. She knew that she could be doing better. In months previous she had such a deep well of trust and hope in God, but at this point, it was completely depleted. All she could see were her failures. She didn't like who she was, in fact she hated her. She was lifeless, lukewarm, and flatlined. She felt nothing. She was simply going through the motions of everyday life. She couldn't help but think back to September when all she saw were the possiblities of what her life could be, to when she was so excited to be in another country, experiencing another culture. She wondered what happened to the girl of her summer months, that laughed at the wind, enjoyed everything, and was hopeful for the future. Most of all, she desired to be who she used to be and to forget who she had become. She had no peace,or happiness, or purpose. She thought so much about the future that her present passed her by without her being able to appreciate or learn from it. She became an obsessive, introspective blob that went through the motions of life without experiencing or enjoying anything. She knew that she needed answers, and she was desperate for them.
But, in the midst of the storms that were going on inside her, she never gave up. She had but the smallest bit of hope that God was going to do something in her life because though she was hopeless, she was faithful to do what God had given her to do.
Today, January 4, 2012 I can say that that small seed of hope that I had has started to germinate. I'm beginning to feel alive and hopeful again. No, its not about the beginning of the year, or a resolution to do better, or even a fresh start. I can admit that the seeds that were once dormant in my heart were that way because of nothing and no one but me.
This weekend, I went away for the New Year to visit Siem Reap province. While I was there, I was amidst a group of complete strangers who didn't speak English. I also did not have internet in my hotel room ie., I had a couple days that I was completely cut off from the rest of the world in which I was able to kind of step back and evaluate my life and how I hoped it would change.
I began to realize that the past couple months of what felt like wandering through the wilderness was a result of my fears, worries, and doubts crowding out the voice and direction of God in my life. I was no longer trusting in Jehovah Jireh, but "Tammy Jireh." I had literally begun to think of all the things I wanted from life, and trying to figure out how I could force them to fit into God's will. If I felt God leading me to think something or do something that I didn't want to do, I would be paralyzed with fear and in my rebellious spirit, I would push His voice away and convince myself why that couldn't be him. When I would compromise, I knew that God wanted me to stop what I was doing, but I'd tell myself that I'd work on it later.
A couple nights ago, I had this feeling right in the center of my chest. The only way I can describe it was that it was a hole, waiting to be filled. My heart was hungry and ready for something to fill it.
Little did I know, that this was the moment that I'd been waiting so long for. It was the moment that the light switched on and I relized what I'd been longing for, and I believe God orchestrated it.
I was on talking with my cousin and somehow we got onto this topic. I was pouring out my heart and all the frustrations I'd been feeling. I told her how I was so stuck,restless, and lifeless. I told her how much I needed a change but didn't know how to get one.
She told me that she had experienced something very similar. She knew what I was going through and she knew what to say to open my eyes...
She saw that I was trying to control my life and hold onto my dreams so tightly that I couldn't and wouldn't listen to what God was speaking into my life. Instead of living the life of freedom that Jesus came to give to me, I was living in the bondage of my own fear and worry and as a result, I had no peace, joy, or life. She just said,"Surrender, stop trying to hold onto everything." This is the moment that everything that I'd gone through in 2011 made sense. Katie had me listen to a song that is exactly to a T what I needed to hear..and of course, its called Surrender .
My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?
Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me
You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?
Is this not what I just explained?!
So what does this have to do on my reflecting on the past year? Well,as I said before, 2011 was all about transition for me. I went into it with alot of fears and doubts about just about everything in my life, but I still had hope.It's now 2012 and guess what? Nothing has changed.
Last year year, I was looking for His "post-graduation" plan for me. I thought that once he told me to do in the fall that my whole life would suddenly fall into place and I'd never have another question or concern, I know,and I admit how naive I truly am.
I'm living the plan that God had for me but I again, nothing has changed. I still have questions and concerns. I still have no clue what my life is about or what I want out of it, however, I learned something about life in general. Life is a constant uphill battle of learning to trust in God. Yes, the more we trust in God, the easier it becomes, but God is always testing us so that we can learn to trust Him in new and different ways.
I also learned in 2011 that I will never, ever know. What I thought I knew would be my first year of higher education is actually a year in Asia, educating. I know that alot of the things that I thought I knew or learned have changed. But that's because everything is subject to change, and nothing is certain. nothing but God and His word and His plan.
Something else that I was able to realize was that everything we go through shapes who we are into who we will eventually be. An injury caused me to change my focus from what I wanted and made me rely on God to put me someplace, because I culd think of no other option. Its is just amazing to look at my life and say,"Everything REALLY did happen for a reason."
I wouldn't say that I'm disappointed in what 2011 was for me. I learned so much, experienced amazing,lifechanging things, and got a much better perspective on my life and expectations for it.
"2011 for me, is about learning to let go. Not of responsibility -or sanity- rather of me. I,for so long, let myself get in the way of the things that God was doing or speaking into my life. Because I didn't see the big picture i couldn't trust.. this year I want to live recklessly and let god have His way. I want to live this year passionately and whole heartedly without a crutch of fear or stress,
A toast,so to speak, to easy, free living in 2011."
That is how I began last year, and for the better half of the year, I did do that, but then I kind of lost my way. I'd say that for 2012, my resolution is to have no resolution. I find that when I try to force things to happen in my life, God undoubtedly changes my direction...if only to remind me who's in charge of my life.
I saw a banner that read,"Happy New Year! 2012~The Year of Happiness!" Well I'm going to go one step further with a synonym of happiness, and that contentment. I want 2012 to be a year of true contentment in which I am able to stop trying to figure out what's next. I want to be happy, or rather content, with where I am, and what I'm doing. I want to be as free as a bird that listens and goes where she calls. I want to accomplish things that I've always wanted. Most of all, I want to live a life surrendered to God, daily dying to my flesh, and always serving His purposes. Here's a cheers to being a surrendered, willing, and trusting vessel that he is able to do amazing things through. Here's to ending this year better than when it began.
~simplytammy<3
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