wanting to be wanted.

We all have those people and relationships in our lives that we have either thrived on or thrown away. We have those people who make everyday the best day of your life. Then there are those people who make you dread life.
Ladies, I know you all have that guy who has made you regret ever letting him in...or giving him your first kiss...letting him take you on your first date. That guy who we all pretend that we hate when we're all still hopelessly in love with. That relationship that we wish all of our might would work. The one that we know never will. I know you know exactly what I'm talking about. And I know that you want exactly what I want, that man who makes you feel so cherished. That man who makes you feel beautiful on your worst of days. That man who whispers those sweet nothings into your ear and kisses you sweetly on the temple. Also, the man that you know beyond the shadow of a doubt you can put your trust in that would never intentionally hurt you.
So I'm going to tell you something that may sound really crazy...I have three guys in our lives.
I feel like I've had the boy in my life that taught me alot. He showed me clearly what was wrong and what I didn't want in a man. He burned me and gave me scars and pain. He's also the one that I've had the hardest time getting over. There's just something about him but I know it will never work out because he didn't care as much about me as much as he cared about himself and the way he felt. He treated me as indispensable and I respect myself enough to say and know that I'm not. I'm worth someone's time, and since obviously it wasn't his, I'm not going to sit and wait for him to realize what he could have had. Even though it's been hard, I've moved on from that boy.
Then there's the boy who's the "possibility."He's the boy I've known all my life who I've always had chemistry with, He's the question mark in my life. I've gone back and forth mentally and after much deliberation and pondering, I've decided, he's not what I want. Yes, there are things about him that I like but not enough for me to actually like him or think about him in any other way than a friend. He just doens't meet up to the bar. He's very immature...just a boy really. Definitely underdeveloped brain... so I won't even let myself go there. We're better off the way we are now... but believe me, in my moments of weakness, I considered him. Kind of like, there was no one better so why not think of my friend? Crazy, I know.
Then there's the man in my life that I've dreamed up... so yes, he's not real....YET. He's the man who is just that, a man. He is the perfect gentleman. He knows when to speak and when I just want to think. He can feel what I'm feeling and respond accordingly. He looks to my needs instead of his own. He would never intentionally hurt or disrespect me. He treats me like the princess I am. He has a sense of self and he's confident but not cocky with who he is and doesn't feel the need to prove himself to anyone but his heavely father.  This man will have a love for God that will shine through everything he does and because of that love, he'll be able to love me the right way for the right reason. He is my perfect match....and you know, I feel like I'm ready for him. I've had my run with those other guys. I feel like my heart is ripe and ready for a relationship with this wonderful man that I've fabricated. I'm like sick of waiting. I just want to be happily "in a relationship" Like really, is it that much to ask? All of my friends are. Kids, 3 and 4 years younger than me are dating and having their "one year anniversarys." I haven't even had my first date!! But when I see these people, I say to myself," Are they in the right relatonship or is it one that was convenient or available when they were lonely. And I ask myself, " Do I want that bad enough that I would compromise just to have it?"

Who's heart isn't ready for the perfect,opposite, compliment to them? Who doesn't want to feel cherished and loved?

I feel like I'm ready for "him" but I'm not the one who determines when my movie moment happens and I bump into "Mr. Perfect". And who knows, he may not be ready to bump into me, his "Mrs. Perfect." (and yes, I do believe God makes one perfect person for everyone He intends to be married)
So I know you're saying to yourself, "This girl is overly hormonal and lonely and insecure and she is like every stupid women you see in the movies who is desperate for male attention." But this is not so, my friend. I've said all this to say to all my lady friends that its OKAY to dream and think of what your future spouse will be like. Also, that its OKAY to ask and talk to God about why He hasn't nudged Mr. Right towards you. These moments are ones where we can pray for patience and peace and passion... all from God. Now, in my perpetually single state, is the time when I can grow close to my Jesus and fall in love with HIM then He( not me,because if it were up to me, I'd meet him tomorrow and be married by January{jk}) can decide when I'm ready to have the great responsibility and privilege to love one of His super fortunate princes. (#confidentnotcocky)
 Use this time in your life when you're wondering about what "your man" will be like to pray for him. He is somewhere in the world having these same thoughts about you...Isn't that comforting? 
Also, to my lovelies, build your standards, now, when there is no handsome boy coming around to beguile or distract you. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. Make a list of what you will and will not do. What you expect and what you disdain so that when the time comes, you're prepared and you can say, "Is this what I want for myself?" "Am I selling myself  short.?" It's important to have standards and I know from it experience that it will save you from heart break.
Lastly, just remember that God knows your heart. He knows and cares about how you feel. If you're feeling exceptionally lonely and you feel like you just need a hug, God gives the best, warmest hugs of anyone. He knows exactly what you need and He's right there to give it. If you're feeling impatient, remember that He knows the beginning from the end and in His timing, He will put you with who He made to be with. I ask that you don't compromise in the seasons of waiting. Trying to do anything your way over God's in life will always bring you up empty. Remember that there are millions of girls in the world who feel the same exact way.

"Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret..."

simplytammy<3

The day I lost my innocence

You know, my blog has been titled "Growing Up: Life As I Live It" and its been based on the progression of my life and expressing how and when I go through things but I actually remember the exact moment I grew up... the moment I realized the world wasn't beautiful fields and flowers. It was September 11,2001.

I was seven years old and in first grade. It was a regular day at school... I remember the exact place I was sitting when one of the high school students in my school came in and informed my teacher that something had happened. Right then and there, I perceived that something was very wrong. I didn't, for a second, think that it had to do with someone in or something pertaining to the school. I remember the mood of the room instantly turning to deep gloom and almost despair. It was then that the director of my school came in and told us that we'd be going home early because something awful had happened to our country. The student who informed us announced the awful tragedy had taken place...
Being seven years old, I really didn't know how to react. I didn't,couldn't, actually wrap my mind around the idea that the crashing of these planes devastated the lives of so many and our country. I didn't know what true evil was. I'd never known or experienced it...I was so naive in my mind. I had the mindset of a child.

Before we were sent home, we prayed together. I watched as many of the upperclassmen and teachers bombarded the heavenlies with pleas for safety and wisdom and comfort for the country and its leaders. I can see the seven year old version of me, standing there wide-eyed  and shocked, not knowing what to think or feel.

We took two kids home so they could be with their family and were invited into there family room to watch the events unfold on their television screen. At that instant, when I saw what really happened, I witnessed complete panic, shock...fear of the people in New York City, I was no longer  seven years old. It was at that exact moment that my eyes were opened to the evils of this world. It was then that I realized that the world wasn't safe and there were people so sick in their mind that they would commit such vulgar acts. I remember seeing the planes crash into the towers and the network replaying it over and over to the point where I couldn't watch anymore. I was too scared...confused.

That day, our country was forced to its knees. We were forced as individuals and as a united nation to look evil in the face. Our president had to decide how we would react to the despicable acts committed against our sovereign nation.

Today on the tenth anniversary of that fateful day, as I watch the memorials and I see the families of those who lost their loved ones, my heart breaks all over again. It breaks for what they lost but also for what I lost...It was as if my childhood was over. I could no longer go through my life as a child without cares or concerns. I was afraid of any man who looked like the nightmarish pictures I'd seen on the news that day... Fear was instilled into my heart and life. Awareness took place of innocence.Naivety was snatched away from me.
I'll always remember that day always. Where I was... How I felt....How my life and lives of so many others, were turned upside down, to never ever be the same.

Bucket List#22: fly on a plane

Yet another one of my bucket list items is scratched off. I have flown on, not one, but three planes. And what an amzing experience it was! My first flight was from Pittsburgh to Chicago...a relatively short flight. It was really only a teaser for the 13 hour flight I'd be on to Seoul, South Korea. The flight to Korea was so so surreal because we were literally traveling back in time...We flew into daylight for 15 hours. It was only when I boarded my flight to Phnom Penh, that the sun set.
Flying for the first time was amazing. I didn't know how I'd like it, but I wasn't really nervous and in the end, I loved it. The aerial views were just amazing and the seats were pretty comfortable. Korean air kept me entertained with a great list of hit movies and snacks about every hour. I felt just about ready to explode when we landed. So airline food isn't the best but hey, I have one less thing to accomplish in my lifetime:]

Pittsburgh International Airport

Clouds-somewhere between Pittsburgh and Chicago

Chicago coastline

Chicago suburbs

Land meets ice in Alaska

Boarding pass counter at O'hare International Airport

Flying over South Korea...this bridge was the only solid land between two islands

Waiting for takeoff

On our way to our final destination

This.was.awesome. Lightning storm and the only light in the pitch-black sky

I'm home!:]