Life events always bring me back to the blogosphere...
I feel as if I haven't taken then time to reflect on all that's gone on in my life for the past few years... I say that as a segue into what is going on now because it really and truly is all connected.
Last summer I spent three months living in the tiny, rural town of Marvell, Arkansas. I happened upon a mission camp organization which brought me to that place and subsequently had the best summer of my life. I made friendships that will last forever and worked in a community which is built around loving and caring for others. It was life-changing and this summer I had the opportunity to do it all over again as a director BUT my tonsils had other ideas. From September, when I found out I had mononucleosis, to May, when I found out I had chronic tonsillitis, I was sick about twice a month...meaning I was only well about 10-14 days if I got lucky. This threw a wrench in my plans to conquer the school year and get more involved on campus. (Working my three jobs didn't help either) Given my diagnoses, I was not able to accept the position to be a site director of a Youthworks site and instead, I headed home for what would be a fairly easy procedure with a horrendous/painful recovery. When, around day 10ish, I felt mostly myself, I thought the rest of the summer would be smooth sailing. I got a job as a YMCA day camp counselor. This was going to be great. I would work where I workout, get super fit and back into my previously very healthy and active lifestyle (hindered by all of the health issues I had) and I'd save a bunch of money and be all comfy for senior year. NADA. Around week 4 of working, I ended up with a concussion after an attempt to teach a wide-eyed little girl how to flip in the pool. The only problem being we were in the shallow end of the pool. Yes, I realize I should have known better, but you know what? I was trying to make a moment, so no regrets.
This injury, however, has proven to complicate most every aspect of my life. My once quick-witted sarcasm has been replaced with "whats the word I'm looking for?" and my superior optimization skills have been turned into what I would describe as a diner scramble special, you know, with all the potatoes, onions, and eggs mixed into one jumbled dish? Sequencing and processing are exceptionally difficult and have brought on anxiety which I have never before struggled with. I truly do not feel like myself. Along with these symptoms are the more obvious such as headaches and irritability. It got to a point that I felt unfit to work and could not handle the stress I was feeling at work and I resigned from my position just two weeks before my summer was over.
So now, here I am, looking back on the summer I thought for sure I was supposed to have and all I can do is ask "WHY?" Why did I have to come home? Why did I get a concussion? Why was my work experience less than pleasant? None of it makes sense and I'm someone who needs things and life to make sense. But maybe that's exactly what this is all supposed to teach me. If everything made sense, why would I need to trust in a God who is bigger and greater than all of these menial things? I wouldn't.
I recently explained to someone my extreme Type A-ness. I need to be in control....not of anyone else. Just myself. I know that if I apply myself to something, I will accomplish it. But now, under these circumstances, I can't.
It has been a huge reality check. I have viewed myself in terms of what I can accomplish and what I have contributed to others. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but what happens when those things are stripped away, people forget, or I am physically incapable of doing those meaningful things? Is my value then stripped away? Am I socially devoid of any worth? I think maybe, in the back of my mind, I thought so. Through all of this I've realized how much I seek affirmation from people. I want to be liked and respected and viewed as the hardest worker or the most passionate. Through all of this, I've realized that I am not and I couldn't even try to be, but THAT'S OKAY.
I think I had to have this weird summer to realize something so fundamental to my faith. I am valuable. I am worthy. I am weak. He is strong. I am loved. I am cherished. It does not matter what I have done. My value is not derived from human opinion.
I don't know that these realizations have truly sunk in, but each day I feel as if God gives me little heart hugs that remind me. He certainly has my attention and my eyes are wide and I am searching for the meaning of why my life is in seeming shambles. I'm pressing in and I know he is faithful to restore, not only my memory, but my sense of who he truly is, yesterday, today, and forever.
