My Ruined Heart

It was pained. It was hopeless. It was helpless. Most of all it was aimless. It sought peace.It searched for a home.It was discontent. It was lonely,because of its experiences,it was scared.It was all these things but it was not unrepairable,NO!It is quite repairable.All it needed was compainionship, true comraderie. One came alongside it and realized exactly what it needed. It needed someone to embrace it. Someone to confide in,to heal,to love. Before this present hope, it was barricaded. It shut out any emotion. It didn't dare to hope. It didn't dare to dream. Always skeptical. Always doubtful. Always uncertain. But then this hope, this friend,came alongside it, offering hope, building trust, ensuring security. And little by little, the barricade began to weaken. It began to feel again. Like a bear in spring, it awakened from it's hibernation and began to look for nourishment.It began to hope and to dream. It began to see through new unburdened eyes. It opened up and so the healing took place. only because the Godsend called a friend opened himself up and shared his own difficulties did it come to know joy and fullness again. The past gouges became only faint scars. The ever present pain turned into joy. The ominous clouds of hoplessness turned to billowing clouds of hopefulness. And all because of this friend, did my heart, my ruined heart come to know fullness of life again.

~simply tammy~

Before I die I want to...

On mtv there is a show called "The Buried life".The show spotlights four young guys who made a list of 100 things they want to do before they leave the earth."For every item they complete on their list, they help a stranger achieve one of their dreams. Everywhere they go they ask the question: What do you want to do before you die?"This show was a real inspiration to me, it got me thinking.

One day as I watched the show I thought about what I want to do before I die.. I came up with a list of my own... but I didnt quite get to 100.

1.be on disney channel
2.go to/get through college
3.learn to figure skate
4.play the guitar
5.play the piano
6.piece a quilt
7.take voice lessons
8.dance on pointe
9.grow my hair to my butt[:)]
10.go to hillsong
11.take cooking classes
12.make a cake decorated in fondant
13.be on american idol
14.have my song played on the radio
15.go scuba diving
16.grow a rose bush
17.meet the jonas brothers/demi lovato
18.sing in front of 20,000 + people
19.die my hair blue
20.perform on a street corner
21.visit the ocean
22.fly on a plane
23.watch the Hawaiian sunset
24.meet cameron alexander
25.make $1 million
26.go to public school for a week
27.stay up all night*
28.visit england
29.be in a movie
30.blow $1000 @ the mall
31.have 4 kids
32.go to a "party venue" with paige[:)]
33.have my own fashion line
34.take a train
35.visit the big apple
36.live in the hamptons
37.fit into a size 4
38.get married in a forest
39.write a book
40.get my master's degree
41.tell someone off
42.be famous:P
43.fill an entire ipod
44.ride a horse on the shoreline
45.graduate 12th grade with straight a's:/
46.meet the man of my dreams
47.hava a date on the beach
48.eat a whole pizza
49.be on broadway
50.read 100 books in a year
51.give my diary to my daughter
52.meet Morgan Freeman
53.save my first kiss
54.make someone's dreams come true
55.ride the pitfall*
56.run a marathon
57.get a tattoo
58.get my nose pierced
59.read the whole bible
60.stay abstinent until marriage
61.sing karaoke*
62.keep my room clean for a month
63.be on the news
64.be in the newspaper
65.go on a game show
66.make a dress
67.eat a bug*
68.go speed dating
69.drive to the top of a mountain and watch the sun rise
70.watch an entire lunar eclipse
71.drive in a convertible
72.ride in a helicopter
73.go cliff diving*
74.eat a candle lit dinner with a hot guy(:])
75.be on a tv commercial
76.ride on a san francisco street car
77.ride in a taxi cab
78.sleep on the beach
79.travel out of the country*
80.go movie hopping
81.get a weave
82.go all night bowling
83.stand in the equator
84.chase a tornado
85.pretend to be homeless
86.go on a road trip
87.be on a billboard
88.go on the sky coaster
89.visit every continent
90.swim with dolphins
91.
92.
93.
94.
95.
96.
97.
98.
99.
100.
(*=completed)

Some of the things on my list may seem meaningless to you but for me there is a meaning behind each and every number. The activities aren't in any specific order, I just wrote them as they came to me. I don't know if all of those things will happen... probably not, but I won't stop dreaming. People who dream big, Live big. Who says I can't be on american Idol? Who says staying abstinent is impossible? It's my life and ima live it.
A few weeks ago my church choir sang in an old folks home. As I stood on the stage, I started to realize how short life really is. I wondered what these people's dreams were when they were young like me...were their dreams the big times? What did they want most out of life, and more importantly, did they achieve it? I know alot of older people regret not doing things they wanted when they were young. Maybe they pushed their dreams aside and said they would get to them later, but never did. As I stood there I realized that I don't want that to happen. I want to fulfill my dreams and live my life to the fullest. I don't want to be old and have regrets about what I should have done in the " old days".
I always think to myself, "today is over and I'm never going to get it back... what did I do today that brought me closer to my dreams?" Now think about that. It really started to give me a new perspective on things. Some days I idle around with nothing to do, somedays I am completely productive. Of course there must be a balance, but it really makes me not want to waste on more minute, one more day. I wrote a song that kind of put my feelings and thoughts into words...

Lovely life

there's only time enough to spend
on Life's achievements
a chance to dream the life you'll live
but you have to believe it
don't listen to the voices inside
the doubts and fears where hopes and dreams hide
You can make it, you will make it

your lovely life
don't take it for granted
don't waste your time
on things with no purpose
your lovely life
do something worth it

the time will fly-times flying by
keep on achieving
A chance to be everything you've dreamed
So close you can feel it
Don't let yourself think less of you
Do everything you know to do
You can make it,you will make it

your lovely life
don't take it for granted
don't waste your time
on things with no purpose
your lovely life
do something worth it

This is your life, this is your time
make the most of what you got
This is the life,this is the time
give it your best shot
by : tammy rose

This is all that we got. We have to make the best of it. There is no excuse for not following your dreams. Don't doubt yourself. You can achieve your goals, you can be whatever you want to be.This is your time.. Go for it.

What do YOU want to do before You die?

~simply tammy

helen keller?

So, over the course of my life, I have been through MANY tragic procedures, procedures including: pulled teeth,lazered fernectomies,lanced sties,constant eye infections, and puberty:P
by now im used to the tradgedy and drama from these things. This past week I learned that I have to go through another one of these crazy prcedures.

Last week I had Saturday,Sunday,Monday,Tuesday,Wednesday, and Thursday off from school due to the abnormal snow levels. We(my family and I) were basically stuck in the house for a week, leaving us somewhat stir crazy.Well my sister Paige has glasses, or should I say HAD glasses, before she lost them, so my mom called down to the eye doctor in hopes of replacing her m.i.a glasses. The optometrist was overjoyed at the possibility of having another patient on his "slowest most boring day" in his entire career in optometry. To give the doctor something to do, my mom made me get out of bed so that I could fill a cancellation @ the doctor's office.SO RANDOM!!
It was just a typical snow-thursday as we(paige, Lauren and I) drove through the snow covered roads to the doctor, or so I thought. We got to the doctor in about 3 seconds(being that it's precisely 2 blocks from my house)and sat in the waiting room. The techy nurse called my name and everything was as normal as ever.As she performed the annual standard tests on me, I started to notice that the vision in my left eye was progressively worse since my last eye appointment. After she was finished testing my eyes, she led me to a room where I waited for a few moments for my doctor...and in came a very pretty and pleasant woman. She also tested my eyes according to normal procedures and the time began to drag...She started to explain that my vision in my left eye was pretty much shot but glasses wouldn't do anything. Sweet right? Well, she wanted the head hancho doctor to come and take a look, and I started to suspect that something(probably unsevere)was up.(I thought wrong) Again I waited for the Doc to grace me with his presence... and in he walked... He started to check me out(my eyes:) and he discovered....an anomalie??...

Ok enough with story telling, lets get down to business....So this "anomalie" is something called an "optic pit"... In my left eye I have three and whats happening is liquid,(such as blood)is getting into the pits and is making my retina(back part of the eye) lift off(kind of like a space staion)... eventually the retina will completely detach leaving me blind in my left eye.. freaky right? I think so and so did my doctor.. He has only ever seen three of these cases in his entire practice as a doctor. This leads me to the conclusion that I'm....SPECIAL!!..haha*chuckle* ok.. I guess not really but I like to think so.

This is probably one of the most (if not the most)insane things that has ever happened to me, and just think, if my mom hadn't called the doctor I would probably be blind in the near future.I can't give all the credit to my mom, God had alot to do with this and I'm seriously speechless when I think how awesome He is for letting us discover this! He perfectly orchestrated everything so that I could continue to see binocularly:) God is awesome, i knew it before, but i believe it now. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and nothing is a mistake.

so what now? I
am going to see a specialist and they will decide what to do next. I'll keep you posted but until then, this has been...

~simply tammy♥

rEfLeCtIoNs[20o9]

Reflection is good for the soul... when we reflect, we learn to appreciate and treasure all of the good times and the bad. God has taught me so many interesting things in the past year, and while at the time it was challenging and didn't enjoy it, I was able to glean from it.The year 2009 has been one of many joys,challenges, adventures and blessings. It flew by faster than any other year of my life. I have grown and learned more than I ever have and I have experienced so many new and different things.

In the past year, I turned sixteen,finished the tenth grade and started into the eleventh. I made new friendships that will last forever. My longtime dream of dancing again, was fulfilled. I experienced the pain of heartbreak and the joys of family. I read 20+ novels and took my psat's. I was accepted into the Westinghouse science honors academy and toured a nuclear reactor. In 2009, I grew as a person, I changed and learned so much. It is really amazing how one year can change a person. Yet, in the midst of all of these accomplishments and goals, God was directing my steps toward his ultimate goal and purpose for my life. It truly amazes me...He truly amazes me. I'm the kind of person who stresses. If I don't know what I'm doing every second of the day I practically have a breakdown. It's scary for me not to know what I'm going to do in when I graduate. I guess one could say that I find it hard to trust in the unknown. It's a flawed trait but it's one that I definitely possess. In this new year of 2010, my resolution would be to learn to trust in God more than I ever have. I will be making alot of big decisions and I will be needing some help. I think we humans get the whole " I know best attitude,"when in actuality we are scared to death of ourselves, and we know that we do not know best![we dont know at all.]I resolve to get closer to God and my family in the next family, and I resolve to grow and grow up as a person. 2010 is a year of reconciliation,healing and blessing. I intend to soak it ALL up.=]

I see it only fitting to thank all of the people who have influenced me this year:
Mom and Dad, Bishop and Pastor Susan Beninate, Miss Karen Knapp, Miss Kim Rausch, Jaime Lyn Carter(soon to be dray!),Tyler Carter,Paige Carter, Angela Nunez, Rosalyn Werner,Pastor Art Speck and all of the u.r.y.c counselors, Kenny okoye,Cameron Alexander, Greg Hayhurst,Ryan Ruth and all of my mansfield conservatory besties:].....I'm sure that there are many more, and I only hoped that I, in a positive way, have influeunced or encouraged someone this year. Thanks to all of you for being there and for being constants.My final thankyou goes to my creator and Lord. Thankyou for everything you have taught me and will teach me. Thnakyou for being my past my present and my future. Thankyou for guidance and comfort in those times of insecurity and questioning. Thankyou for all of the blessings that you have so graciously bestowed on me and thankyou for never letting go<3

It's been a great year and I only hope that that year will be better! It's exciting and scary but I'm ready to take it on because I know that You will be there! "It's a new dawn, It's a new day and I'm feeling good!"

simply tammy

Last Goodbye♥

This time I'm not looking back
I won't let you distract from my happiness
You've haunted me for so long
Those memories that linger on and on and on
Now they are gone

I wont hold onto you any longer
My time with you has made me stronger
and I've moved on and Ive let go
You and me are over
I't's time I let you know
That this time I've said my last goodbye

I won't let my self think back to the times we shared
I've realized that you, you never cared
I loved you for so long
Your love, you feigned, it led me on and on
We were so wrong

My first love, I never will forget
In you I trusted my heart and then you left
You failed to be the remedy for my needs
You proved to be nothing to me

this is my last goodbye.........

lyrics: tammy rose♥


(written in 1st period history class:)

embrace the pain

When others stab you in the back-
When you are left a hopeless wreck-
When there is no hope to be see-
What can you do but-
Embrace the pain

When all of life's problems come crashing down-
When there is no joy to be found-
When you want to throw in the towel-
What else can you do but-
Embrace the pain

When your life is a hopless mess-
When you get down and depressed-
Your at your end, you must confess-
What more to do than-
Embrace the pain

Realize now, it's not your strength-
You fight,you try, but still no way-
You live your life from day to day-
But don't give up -
Embrace the pain


We all go through times in our life when we are hopeless and dejected. It's a season of life. We see no hope... no reason to go on.Some people are always in a constant state of depression. Others purpose to see the good in everything. Depression is a choice, and circumstances are neutral and we decide the outcome. Don't be a victim of your surroundings,choose to come out on top. When things come at you,embrace the opportunity to do something. Be an overcomer.Life shouldn't just happen while we watch because we are too consumed in the way we feel. Football players have a saying that goes,"Pain is just weakness leaving the body." How true is that?!When we go through something tough, we are strengthened.We are being tested and tried so that we may be built up. We are to learn from the experiences, not dread and regret them. Remember that you aren't the only one who has been hurt. You aren't the only person who has lost something that they loved. Every single person has a story,you aren't they only one. Reaching out to others heals. I don't know what it is, but it's true. If we would take the time to forget about ME, we would see a world full of hurt just waiting to be healed. When you think you can't anymore, embrace the chance to move forward."Just do it"

♥Realize now, it's not your strength
You fight,you try, but still no way
You live your life from day to day
But don't give up
Embrace the pain♥


~simply tammy♥

written by a girl to every guy

Im not very experienced in guy/girl relationships, but i'm not stupid. I have come to realize many things in the past,oh, five years or so of my life. I decided to write this after I read something similar entitled"written by a guy" It could be eye opening for many, or old news. Do with this as you will:)

To every guy:

we girls care if you talk to other girls

we do care if you are friends with other girls
and if a girl walks in and you introduce us, we want you to make it clear that we are your girlfriend.It doesnt help when she starts going off about "that time" when you "had so much fun" and says "we should hang out sometime"

we do care if other girls call and text you! especially at two in the morning.

when we tell you that you are cute, we mean ur hot! but when we do we want you to say
something sweet back like: your beautiful(and we want you to mean it)

the sexiest thing about a guy is honesty and transparency(and good cologne!)

we like when you make us laugh(if a girl laughs alot around you it usually means she likes you!)

we love when u hold the door open for us, especially when we have to walk under your arm(just don't forget deodorant!)

we do like you pay for us, it shows us you care and you want to do something for "your girl"

we like when you call us your girl (not your woman) and we hate when you call us sexy!

we love when you kiss us on the cheek or forehead. We dont always want to kiss on the lips(we see it as special)

we love to cuddle:) you can never give us to many hugs!

When we go out, we want you to dress up. show us u care by lookin' ur best!

take everything we say seriously! we wouldn't have said if we didn't mean it!

dont argue with us, we will win!

we hate when brush us off because your "busy"!girls love when all her man candy can do is talk to her.

When you tell other people stuff about us, we always find out! especially when it's our best friend!

we love your clothes.. we feel like your arms are around us when we wear your hoodie!

Don't yell at us.

dont talk, no scratch that, dont look at other girls when you're with us.

Hard core christian guys are hot:)


questions for every guy:
why isnt one girl good enough for you?
why do you tell every girl you know you like her?
why is cheating an option?

guys, when girls are in a relationship, they want someone who is honest and true to only her. We aren't interested with sharing you with anyone else. We invest alot in you and you should do the same for us. we deserve to be treated with respect and honor. Respect us and respect our morals and standards. There is nothing that says you have to like 10 other girls when you are with us. SO DONT! When you leave us we feel betrayed and hurt.. just remember that every time you tell a girl you love her, she believes it. so if you dont mean it, dont say it.we see relationships like fairy tales. don't dash our dreams. Every girl deserves to be treated like a princess...and every girl dreams of the guy who will be her prince. We love to goof off with you.. STOP TRYING TO IMPRESS US! Be yourself be real and be fun!.. thats what we truly want! You can never say or do to many nice things for us. Every girl on this planet is a hopeless romantic, hoping to romanced.♥

~simply tammy♥

hey!!
tammy here! writing my first official blog:)
i decided to start a blog and it all happened in the shower:)
i was just thinking... "i should write a blog, it would really help my writing skills" so here i am...